Chiropratic for the Neural Pathways

It's been a while since my last post. In that time I have been seeing a therapist for my PTSD. We have done EMDR; Eye Movement Desensitization and Retraining.

Never heard of it until one day while engineering a talk show on psychology. The guest was talking about EMDR and PTSD. We were talking during the break about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and how it wasn't/didn't seem to help. The host asked me point blankly if I'd "been cured" of my PTSD. I said, "Hell NO!" He just smiled and we went back into the show.

It has been my understanding that you cannot cure PTSD. You just deal with it. Live with it. Try to minimize its effects over time. Turns out, I was partially wrong. With EMDR, my brain can be "retrained" in how it responds to certain stimuli. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the most intense reaction, I can respond with a level 2 after EMDR.

Since no one can really explain the "why" or "how" just that it works I simply refer to it as Chiropractic for the Neural Pathways since what the EMDR Therapy does is re-arrange the neural pathways where the memories of the trauma occur. Instead of being all twisted and out of whack and subject to any disruption, the EMDR therapy "straightens them out" allowing the body to not over-react to stimuli. Good for me!

After my second session I was driving home and noticed thunderclouds over the mountains to the north. Normally I would start to feel an anxiety attack come on and feel very warm and insecure. That day I actually thought, "Look at those cool clouds!" Something I hadn't said since January of 2008 when I nearly crashed after I inadvertently flew into a thunderstorm.

Now I respond with a Level 2 instead of a Level 10. So PTSD...you can suck it. While I wouldn't say I'm "cured" I am much more able to continue in my chosen profession, aviation, much better than I ever could in the last 2 1/2 years.

See ya PTSD...
See ya Anxiety attacks...
See ya sleepless nights...
See ya nightmares...

Hello confidence...nice to see you again!

Eric

Hey PTSD...

...fuck off.

I really shouldn't say that. God allowed it for a reason and I'm learning. But I hate PTSD and all it's done to me over the last 2 1/2 years.

I need a full-time job.
Wife needs me to have a full-time job.

Eric

Sofa King Tired

Tired. I'm tired of looking for a job for 2 years. I'm tired of depression. I'm tired of PTSD. I'm tired of ADHD. I'm tired of praying to a God who seems to enjoy seeing me slog through the mud and never offering a hand out of the miry clay. I'm tired of praying for my wife and son and daughter and having no response. I'm tired of the constant war with my son over simple obedience, respect for others, and pulling up his damn pants. I'm tired of crying, begging, pleading in prayer only to be ignored. I'm tired of doing all I'm told to do in the bible, reading the Psalms and promises of God to see that it applies to everyone else but me. I'm tired of reading of people who have been out of work for 4 months and getting a great job while I'm sitting here pushing 2 years suffering for a couple of mistakes.

I'm sofa king tired...

I even went as far as to question whether there is a god or not. And if there is, He obviously doesn't like, care about, or listen to my wife and I. I truly believe He has labeled me the "Nation of Israel" at the height of her rebellion and placed me in exile for 70 years.

I'm tempted to change my FB religious status to "Undecided", email the worship leader and tell him and the Pastor to remove me from the worship team, and beat the crap out of the next asshole who can't navigate around a parking lot or grocery store because his head's up his ass.

I'm sofa king tired...

God...if You're really out there...I could use a hand. If not, then stop punishing me...I get it.

Getting From Papua New Guinea to Redding

There's a missionary who lives in Papua New Guinea who's mother lives near Redding. She needs to get to her mother to help her out. Mother has MS and she has more bad days than good.

What's a missionary to do?

Pray.

Ask.

So she and her husband do.

And God worked it out like this.

Missonary gal, Jen, calls her sending churches Missions Pastor and explains the details. A friend of hers finds out and says, "I have frequent flyer mles. I can get you from PNG to SFO and back."

Great!

Missions Pastor has a cousin, Cindy, who lives in Redding who is married to a good friend and former employer of mine, Victor. They've helped the mom, Marcy, install a new swamp cooler and take her to her Dr's appointments and church, etc. But they couldn't go to SFO to pick up Jen. They had plans to go to Tahoe. What to do?

Call Eric.

Eric is a "good Christian" (Victor's words), let's see if he can do it?

So Eric, Pam and their daughter Heather, pack up the car and head out to SFO and pick up Jen. Jen has never met Cindy or Victor or me or Pam or Heather. She was assured by Cindy that we were "okay...good christian people".

We spent about 5 hours with Jen learning about her life with her husband and 3 boys as missionaries with New Tribes Missions in PNG. Stories of how God provides and opens doors. How the enemy attacks where you least expect it. How circumstances change and cause you to question where God is leading you now? How In-And-Out is really, really good when you haven't had one in 2 years. Hearing someone who get's save at 27 and 4 years later is living in the South Pacific explaining the gospel to people who think a crocodile is their god.

That's how you get a missonary from PNG to Redding. God's way.

Eric

The Place of Nothingness

My sister sent me this.

Do you find yourself in a place of nothingness? There is a time and place in our walk with God in which He sets us in a place of isolation and waiting. It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities - simply inactivity.

During these times, God is calling us aside to fashion something new in us. It is a place of nothingness designed to call us to deeper roots of prayer and faith. It is not a comfortable place, especially for a task-driven workplace believer. Our nature cries out, "You must do something" while God is saying, "Be still and know that I am God." You know the signs that you have been brought into this place when He has removed many things from your life and you can't seem to change anything. Perhaps you are unemployed. Perhaps you are laid up with an illness.

Many people live a very planned and orchestrated life where they know almost everything that will happen. But for people in whom God is performing a deeper work, He brings them into a time of quietness that seems almost eerie. They cannot see what God is doing. They just know that He is doing a work that cannot be explained to themselves or to others.
Has God brought you to a place of nothingness? Be still and know that He really is God. When this happens, your nothingness will be turned into something you will value for the rest of your life.

It's this part,

It is a place in which all past experiences are of no value. It is a time of such stillness that it can disturb the most faithful if we do not understand that He is the one who has brought us to this place for only a season. It is as if God has placed a wall around us. No new opportunities - simply inactivity.

that is causing me stress. I'm ADHD...doing something is what I am; created that way on purpose by the One who created me and has now put me in a place of "nothingness".

I applied for and interviewed with the Texas Department of Criminal Justice in Huntsville, Tx. on the 16th of July. It went well and I was told I'd be notified one way or the other in 10 days or the first of this week. It's Wednesday and I'm impatient. I hate being impatient because it means I'm not trusting God. I even went so far as to schedule another interview, this one in Nashville, TN., even though I really don't want that job. Such a dork. For truly, if I am to get the job in Texas, it will have to be a God thing.

You see, I think the interview went well but it went fast! 20 minutes in and out. They asked mainly questions about being a manager/supervisory pilot and a little about my flying career from Day 1 to today. While I mentioned the gear up on the application, it didn't come up in the interview. When I called back to explain, the guy had left on vacation and I was told the pilot had been chosen and that they'd notify me "Friday or early next week". Then a call back to HR (different person) said the position was still pending. They called a former employer/friend of mine for employment verification and he said "nice things" about me to them. All signs point to "good to go" and yet I'm still waiting.

In nothingness.

Unsure.

Of myself. Of the job.

The worst thing is my wife is on board for the move but it may not happen. Crap...I can't think that way. I have to stop thinking and typing about it and just sit here in my nothingness and wait for it to

be turned into something you will value for the rest of your life.

Eric

Satan's a Loser

It just dawned on me this morning as I was beginning my prayers.

Satan is a loser.

Here's what I mean:

Satan is known as the Tempter and the Accuser. As the Tempter, he dangles those little temptations at you. You know the ones; they look good on the outside but you know (probably from experience) they ain't so good on the inside. And so you move through your day, brushing aside those temptations, "resisting the Devil" so to speak and you're doing pretty well.

Until,"... each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire" comes along.

Then you stumble. You fall. You make a fool of us all to quote D.C. Talk.

If you're like me, you realize, sometimes with horror, what you've done and you immediately run back to God. You fall to your knees at His throne and repent, begging forgiveness. You fall into His arms as He grants you mercy and forgiveness. You willing accept the consequences of your sin.

But what of the devil? He's right there, encouraging you to sin and when you do, he's oh so very happy and smug. He then turns on you, going from "it's alright just this once, all the kids are doing it!" to, "you scumbag! How could you do that as a Christian. I would hesitate to call you a Christian after what you did. I'm telling God!"

And there he is, at the throne of God, right next to you, pointing out your hypocrisy, your sin, your downfall and the fact that this is probably not the first time you've done this.

But what's in it for him? I mean, come on, you just crawled back to his arch-enemy...God! Jesus! The Father! You fell for a moment but your eternity is still secure. You've just returned to Christ and His cleansing blood. You may have caused others to stumble but Christ is right there with forgiveness and love and mercy and grace for those who repent.

It's stupefying really. Unless the Devil gets some perverse pleasure in a useless gesture. It's like the kid that knows that teasing his sister is going to get him spanked and yet he does it anyways for that one moment of perverse glee. And when he's sitting in his room, butt burning from the paddle, he is torn between having teased his sister and the pain in his rear.

That's some twisted stuff my friend. But then again, no one said Ol' Scratch wasn't.

I think for me, this realization, just took the sting out of the guilt of accusation. It put into a whole new perspective the temptation to sin. It's a lose/lose scenario for Satan and a lose/win scenario for me. I lose to the sin but I win that it brings me closer to Christ. Which in the end, is a good thing. The road (sin) isn't the best way to get there but it will help point us to the straight and narrow.

My 2 cents...

Eric


P.S. Add a couple more albums to my previous post....

Derek Webb - The Ringing Bell
Jars of Clay - Long Fall Back to Earth and Good Monsters
Third Day - Revelation

Eric

Whatever Gets You Through the Day...Year

On Wednesday, I'll have been unemployed for a year. It also marks at time of great emotional, marital and spiritual upheaval. I suffered a nervous breakdown associated with PTSD, my wife and I went several rounds including one that had me writing out a Power of Attorney and packing my bags for who knows where, a growing distance between my son and I and an overwhelming fear of flying.

Lots of things got me through this past year.

One of those things was my faith which I will admit took an incredible beating. The Enemy is usually subtle in his dealings but on occasion he uses blatant, overt tactics designed to hit you when you're down, weak and barely able to defend yourself. It was those times, when he was whispering my ear that I was no good, that I'd never fly again, that I was totally unhirable, that I would be better off eating the business end of a .38 that I cried out to God for relief. For healing. For at least some acknowledgment that He was there and I was not a waste of space.

I was at the end of my rope. I'd reached a knot at the end and it was fraying. So I hung on because He said that's what I needed to do. Many people told me the same thing. People at my church. My counselor. My wife. Acquaintances. Friends and relatives all encouraged me with "God has a plan for you...trust Him." Which was hard, very hard when all I saw was the bottom of a deep, dark well. A well that, at times, I wanted to just drop into an disappear.

But my Pastor, kind of insistently, pushed for me to pick up the latest men's Bible study guide they were using this year. "Trusting God. Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges. So I joined the men's Bible study and found a group of guys who either were going through their own, exclusive, private hell or had been there.

The book helped too. It helped break some long-held beliefs about Free Will and Predestination. It helped show me that I can truly trust God. I came face to face with the reality of life that I already knew but chose to ignore so that I could do my own thing, my own way; create my own theology.

The book, the fellowship, the counseling sessions (Twice a month at $100/pop!) by a guy who was a former cop, a Christian and has dealt with PTSD cases before. And music.

Several albums got me through this last year.

O How The Mighty Have Fallen by The Choir
Howl and Baby 81 by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
Good Monsters by Jars of Clay
Revelation by Third Day
No Line on the Horizon by U2
Definitive Collection: Mike Knott and LSU
The Midget, The Speck and the Molecule by The Swirling Eddies

Each one spoke something different to me at different times. Each one provided some truths that I needed to hear. And some just let me let out emotions at the top of my lungs as I rocked on with the band.

All these things, interwoven together, taken as one or taken as a group, all worked together for good, for me, who loves the Lord. That's a promise you know.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I still have doubts about my abilities. I have been in the air a few times riding right seat being a "gear bitch" and "radio jockey" in a King Air. I had no weirdness. No trepidations. Wasn't twitchy. It was actually good. Of course, I wasn't the Pilot in Command and the weather was nice so we'll see what happens next. I still wonder if I'm cut out for any kind of responsibility higher than worker drone. But I don't dwell on that. Whatever God has in mind for me, I won't fight it. I will accept it. Fighting it or trying to make something else of it hasn't worked so well in the past. I'm 43, soon to be 44. My mother used to say she didn't want me to learn the hard lessons of life in my 40's like she did. She used to try and keep me from that. But I think we are destined to more like our parents than we will ever admit and we're terrified our kids will turn out like us. Which is why I've been so hard on my son. But I've learned I've got to let him do what he needs to, to make his own mistakes even if they are the same one's I've made, to try and be a better example to him....but that's a post for another day.

Whatever gets me through the day is not just "whatever". It's more like "whomever". I have been remiss expressing who He is and what He's done both for me and for all others.

Eric

What Do You Do When You're Stupid?

As Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid."

We laugh because we know people who are stupid and can't seem to be fixed because they continue to do stupid things. Even after they do stupid things and they recognize that "that was stupid, why'd I do that?", they do stupid things.

But what do you do when you're angry and you do stupid things? You hurt people. You create problems within relationships. Especially when you are so sure you are right in your anger only to find out later as someone you love and who loves you confronts you with the stupidity of your actions. You feel your "rightness" slowing dissolve in a wave of realization of what you've done. You feel a knot in the pit of your stomach that expands as the reality of what you've done sinks in. It slowly effuses through your body and mind and the stark idiocy of what you've done sinks in deeper and deeper into your soul.

You ass.

There is an old saying that I hate because of its truthfulness: you hurt those you love.

You realize, in horror at times, that you've just set back your relationship with the person you were stupid to by a million years. And as they look back on their life in later years what you did will stand out as a defining moment in their life. When where they were headed was suddenly and horribly jerked another direction. When all they knew and thought was safe and right was blown away by the stupid actions of one they love and who is supposed to love them. When both you and they cannot believe you would do such a stupid thing.

It tears at the heart and soul. You realize you cannot go back to the way things were. There will always be this stupid incident that will be forever there, unspoken but always the unwelcome guest at every encounter between the two of you. The one thing that will always nibble at your conscious. The one thing that will always be in the back of their mind, "can I trust him?"

And it's the anger you hold inside that makes it worse. Because you don't want the anger. You've asked for God to get rid of it but it's still there. The anger does nothing good for you. It eats at your soul. It creates flashes of incredibly ugly thoughts. It is a cancer on your mind and soul. You fight it and it wins. You ignore it and it gets in your face. You beg and plead and bargain with God to take it away for pity's sake and yet it still shows up right when you least expect it and at the most inopportune time. You cry at the affects of your anger. At the pain and hurt you cause even to those to whom the anger is not focused towards nor to whom the stupid actions are not carried out on.

You beg for forgiveness but forgiveness doesn't come. And that eats at your heart as well. All else goes by the wayside until you find that forgiveness. You wait, hurting, stomach churning, mind whirling, waiting for some indication that that person has chosen to forgive you.

God seems strangely quiet in these times and yet He seems right there; not speaking, not intervening, just there. He reminds us actions have consequences. He reminds us the enemy loves to destroy. He doesn't say how He'll answer or when He'll answer and that makes you want to doubt. You know all things work out in time for our good and His glory but those seem like empty words, echoing in the dungeon of despair you've put yourself into. You try to grab a hold of any scrap of hope and when you do you hold on for dear life. You squeeze your eyes shut and hope and pray for the pain to go away. For love to reassert itself into your lives and your tattered and wounded relationship.

Then you start the long process of rebuilding. Something you've gotten good at because you tend to break things on a regular basis. You pray. You forgive. You ask forgiveness. You try to recognize your weaknesses and once again, give them over to God and hopefully this time you won't take them back like a petulant child. You need constant reminding from others of what to do. You feel like you've gone back to kindergarten and are having to relearn all you've already learned. You wonder if you'll ever figure it out this side of eternity?

You trust God. It's all you really have. Your faith is a long rope with a knot at the end which has grown tattered but somehow retains its resiliency. You start the climb again hoping you'll never slid back down to that tattered old familiar knot again. Daily you try to give over the anger and shame and humiliation to the only One who can handle it. You hold on to the truths you know are true because they are tried and true. You pray. You heal. You see the scars for what they are; reminders of the old axiom, "Stupid hurts."

Don't be stupid.

Eric

A Commentary on Proverbs...

Fr. Pat says it better than I can...my daily devotion has been going through Proverbs and what I've been reading, while having been read before and understood, is now taking on a new light when I think of my 16 y.o. son and what he should know to make it in life.

Here's what Fr. Pat says....

Proverbs 18: Many commentators have spoken of the “pragmatic” motive in much of the Book of Proverbs. That is to say, very often what are recommended in this book are things that have been proven to work; these things get good results. Or, to borrow the expression of William James, they have “cash value.” Such things have been tried for generations, and only a fool would abandon them.

We should be cautious about this approach to Proverbs, however, because the pragmatic motive in this book is not identical to that of William James, Charles Sanders Peirce, John Dewey, and their kindred spirits. The pragmatism of these men rested on a fundamental agnosticism with respect to ultimacy. Persuaded that the correct answers to ultimate questions (“Does God exist?” “Is man’s willed activity free?”) must remain unknown to the human mind, these pragmatists recommended that human endeavor, including human thought, should follow only such lines of action as would prove to be useful and productive, such lines of action as would “get good results.” That is to say, human beings should do and think only such things as really work. If a thing or a thought does not work — if experience shows a thing or a thought to be unproductive — prudence dictates that it should not be pursued. (Thus, for instance, William James rejected the theory of atheism because it does not lead anywhere. Atheism promises nothing and delivers nothing. It is not a useful idea. It does not accomplish anything. The idea of God’s existence, on the other hand, has proved itself a very useful and productive idea.)

The problem with this brand of pragmatism is that it separates human activity from human knowledge. It is based on agnosticism with respect to the most important philosophical questions ever posed to the human mind, and it attempts to formulate a manner of life and thought divorced from real answers to those very real questions. How, after all, can I know whether something really “works,” if I have no idea what it is supposed to do? How can I know whether or not I am making “progress” (John Dewey’s favorite word), if I do not know where I am going? How can I seek the human good, if I have no idea what “good” means or the purpose of human existence?

Quite different is the pragmatism of the Book of Proverbs. It does not rest on an agnosticism about the fundamental questions in life, but on discerned and solid answers to those questions. For Proverbs it is not the case that (to use William James’s expression) “truth happens to an idea.” Truth abides, rather, in the structure of reality, and a truthful idea is not the creation of the human mind at all. It is an idea created in the mind by the very truth that inheres in reality. Men are said to live wisely if their minds and activities are shaped by the truth that God placed in the structure of reality.

At the same time, this discernment of truth in the structure of reality does not come solely from theorizing about reality. Sometimes, and perhaps frequently, it comes from the godly effort to deal with the concrete exigencies of human life. For this reason, perhaps, the deepest insights into the reality of life in this world often come to very practical men as they grapple with the shape of history by making godly decisions in difficult and trying circumstances. It may be the case that sometimes a philosopher/king must first be a king in order to become a philosopher.

Mere Comments Daily Reflections

Eric

For The Love of God...

...and beer.

Not everyone's journey to God is the same. Many have followed the same path: go to church, hear a sermon, you feel a tug, someone asks if you want to be "saved", you find yourself raising your hand, you go up front, someone has you repeat a prayer, you're whisked away to the "door on my right, your left", some hands you a Bible and a tract or pamphlet, someone prays for you again, you go home wondering, "What now?"

Or maybe you find yourself like Tom. His path is definitely different. His is not the normal path people normally take in evangelical churches. Does this mean there are "many paths to God"? If by that do I mean that all religions lead to God then no. But each of our journey's are different. The road to which we come to the Cross may not be the same one our friends, families or neighbors are on. But we all meet at the Cross for it is there that we all come face to face with the God of the universe in the form of His son, Jesus Christ. And it's what you do with that knowledge you now have of what Jesus Christ did by being born of a virgin, living a sinless life, dying on a tree, being dead and buried for three days, rising from said death and ascending into heaven after being seen by many that determines what path you will take after your encounter with the Cross.

The path after that encounter may be mainstream evangelicalism. Or it may be like Tom's. Or you may be the next Billy Graham or the next Bob Dylan. I don't know. God does and He rarely reveals, fully, what He has in mind for you. It's a lot about trust. That's a lot of trust...putting our lives in the hands of one we cannot see; whom we only know through scripture.

What's your path to the Cross? Do you see it or do you ignore it?

Eric

Great Pumpkin Presidency

One thing I have noticed about Barack Obama's speeches is that they are full of sincerity. His words about hope and change and transparency ring with heart-felt conviction. His delivery and oratory on the subjects we as American's care about echo with sincere thought. The question is; is he truly sincere about all of that or not?

With deep sincerity and conviction the Pharisee's thought the 600+ additions to the Law were for the better good of the Jew.

With deep sincerity and conviction many believed Jews, gypsy's and other non-Aryans were the problem with Germany.

With deep sincerity and conviction many believed the black man to be sub-human; unable to learn, to read, to write, to do anything but menial labor.

And those people were wrong.

I'm not saying that everyone who speaks with sincerity and deep conviction is wrong. I'm saying that sincere-sounding word, sincere-sounding tone, can sway a crowd who aren't looking at whats behind those words. I'll admit, Obama's speeches are great. Some of the best I've heard since Ronald Reagan. And I find myself starting to believe what he is saying because the issues he is talking about hit close to home. It's how he intends to solve those issues that bother me.

You see, many people don't or won't look beyond the rhetoric to the meat of what's being said. Dr. Luke extolled the virtue of the Berean's because they didn't accept what he said at face value. In Acts 17:11 it says, "Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true." Too many of us do not do this.

Too many of us are like Linus from the Peanut's show, "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown", sitting in our pumpkin patch; the most sincerest pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin "to rise up out of the pumpkin patch and fly through the air bringing gifts to all the good little girls and boys..."

You see, Linus believed, with all sincerity, that his pumpkin patch was the best, the most sincere. You know the story. He convinced Sally to stay up late with him in the pumpkin patch where she missed trick-or-treating with her friends. It didn't matter how sincere or convicted Linus was, Sally didn't parse what was really being said about the Great Pumpkin. In the end, it was a dog that rose out of the pumpkin patch in search of some root beer!

So, we have a President who presents a great sincerity, a deep conviction that what he is doing is correct. And because he has preached his gospel with great sincerity and deep conviction, many have bought into it. And yet, the world around them is showing something completely different...they're not buying into it. They've parsed the words and the meanings, thrown out the rhetoric and looked beyond the deep, heart-felt, emotional sincerity and found it lacking.

To use a phrase from the movie, "A Knights Tale"...

"You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found wanting."

I encourage you to parse what is said by your President, you elected officials, your Preachers, your radio talk-show hosts. See if the sincerity matches reality. You'll be surprised...

Eric

Kinda Scruffy

I'm not shaving or cutting my hair until I get a face-to-face interview. Which means I'm going to be a bit scruffy looking at my parents 70th Birthday shindig next week! I do keep it neat and trimmed but me, with long hair and a beard, is something most of my extended family have never seen.

First time I grew a beard my daughter referred to them as "weeds" on Dad's face.

My wife hates the beard (or even the goatee) because it "itches" when we kiss.

My son...hasn't voiced an opinion. He's still pissed at his parents for putting him on restriction due to an "F" in AP English ("I don't like doing those essays!" Tough darts farmer...it's part of the class) and a "D" in Spanish ("I don't like doing the homework...it's dumb!" Tough darts farmer....it's part of the class).

My dogs dont' care either. Just as long as I give them some food off of my plate when I'm eating they wouldn't care if I was naked and bearded!

I did have a preliminary interview with Dynamic Aviation on Wednesday of last week. If they're interested in me they'll call back. If not, "hopefully you'll get an email" saying they aren't interested. The job would be flying King Air 90's or 200's either in CONUS or OCONUS. Some of those OCONUS jobs pay between $10k and $20k per month depending on the contract and which war zone you're going to!

That's all...

Have a nice day unless you have other plans...

Eric

Bottom Line?

I'm just not a salesman. Yes, I have the personality to do sales but I'm just not a salesman. I hate pushy salesmen. Every time I've let a pushy salesmen talk me into something I've had regrets. I just cannot be that person.

So I'm back to looking in an industry that is taking a beating due to the economy and morons in Washington D.C. who think airplanes are of "the debil" and that private aircraft will be used to bomb Nordstroms. Like a backpack full of dynamite couldn't do the same thing, carried in on the back of a pimply-faced teenager who bought into the Islamic rhetoric about the evil American system of capitalism. Morons in Washington D.C. who criticize CEO's for flying corporate jets around and yet spend taxpayers money willy-nilly on jaunts that many times take place on corporate or chartered jets. Like I said...morons. I thought about running for congress but I didn't want to get the lobotomy and I can't, in good conscience, do the things they do to the American people on a daily basis.

I just want to open the Yahoo home page and see a bit of good news for once. I guess this is how my grandparents felt in the 30's. What goes around, comes around and it seems that 3 generations later, we still haven't seen the writing on the wall that says "Doing something over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of idiocy".

The knot at the end of my rope is getting frayed...

Eric

Options

I always have said I like to have options. But there are times when too many options makes making a decision difficult. Especially when it concerns the rest of your life.

I have some decisions to make regarding 3 options. And gathering information to make the correct decision is becoming a problem because I'm at the point where getting more information means a commitment of some sort to one of the three options.

Option 1:

I've been a pilot for 23 years. I've always wanted to be a pilot. I enjoy flying. But my incident one year ago has essentially ruined it for me. So has working for others who twist and bend the rules to help them and put me at risk. To proceed with this career I have the option of acquiring a type rating in a Cessna Citation (read: jet). Part of that option is acquiring funding through the Workforce Investment Act. WIA funds in Northern California are distributed through Northern California Employment Network, a consortium of 11 counties in NorCal. They made their restrictions a little tighter than the States which eliminates some providers including the one I might want to use. That provider is willing to be added to NCEN but it will take "a while". And we all know how long "a while" is with the State of California. Even more so now that it may be broke by February 1st.!

Option 2:

I've also always wanted to be a history teacher. Jr. or Sr. High, World History teacher. I think I'd be good at this but I dropped out of college to pursue a life in the circus...I mean...flying circus! I have some credits but not a lot. Going back to school is an option using the aforementioned WIA funds, grants and student loans. It would take me about 2.5 years to get my credential and a teaching job which are, at this time, scarce and pay less than aviation. Good news is, the gov't likes teachers and grants and such are widely available. But to do this I would still have to find a job to pay for incidentals like...mortgage, car payment, utilities, etc.

Option 3:

I "interviewed" today for a position selling supplemental insurance through Family Heritage Life. Seems like a good gig. Pays decent. I'll get out of it what I put into it. Unfortunately some red flags popped up...nothing that is a deal-breaker just some things I need to think about. First off...it would be an independent contractor position. 1099sville. Second, it's sales. I've never really liked sales of been good at sales but I've had many people over the years tell me I'd be good at it based on my personality. After sitting through the presentation I could see myself doing this job as the product is something I would be interested in and for me, that's half the battle.

So I have 3 options. Two mix well...#2 and #3. #3 provides the job to pay the incidentals while I exercise option #2. The kicker is I have to choose Option #2 as my career path from here on out. To be honest with myself, I'm a little burned out of aviation right now. Don't know if it's the PTSD talking, the gear-up talking or 23 years not progressing talking. I still truly love to fly but I do not look with joy at hardball IFR, or Point A to Point B 5 days a week. Or being rousted out of bed at o'dark-thirty to fly to someplace. I don't enjoy the long, 3-4 hour trips. I rather enjoyed the out and backs at the USFS or even the RDD-SIY-RDD run I did a few years back (even though at the time I was nearly suicidal!)

I guess I'm just not willing to cut off aviation completely. To forgo the career path I am/was on. I see it as, well, a failure of some sorts to not continue. But I do get excited when I think about becoming a teacher but fear I'm too old, too late coming to the party. I'm also concerned that I am being selfish to my kids. By spending the money to become a teacher I feel I'm taking money away from their higher education. I so want to be able to get them through their Bachelor's degree so as to give them a better shot at life than their parents had.

I don't know...I want a sign. A big one in neon lights. One that will assuage all the guilt. One that will comfort me in that the decision I make is the right one. One that will keep my wife sane and worry-free. One that won't keep me up at nights wondering if I did the right thing...

Anybody got a sign like that?

Eric

Random Musings

(This is what happens when you have waaay too much time on your hands, an overactive imagination, a large vocabulary and a medium white chocolate mocha from Dutch Bros.)

I've been thinking about blogging, Facebook and Twitter recently (Okay...I was laying awake last night, trying to go to sleep and my mind wouldn't shut up!), and how all three have changed the way we interact with each other. Not just the non face-to-face kind of interaction but what we talk about. It seems that when we blog, Facebook (is that even a word?) or Twitter (I don't...) we tend to put out there, for all to see, the incredible minutiae of ones life. Now some lives are more interesting than others and I can see and enjoy Facebook's ability to let me catch up with people I haven't seen in 20-25 years but do I really need to know that you suck at Wii bowling? That you are going to the store for some more milk? That you've just finish reading "Twilight" and the movie was much better? (You're a moron if you think a movie is better than a book because there is only one movie that was at least as good as the book and that was the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy so there!) Or that you're now going to bed because you've been up all day? Of course you've been up all day! Unless you're a vampire or work the grave yard shift, you've been up all day because that is what the "day" is for...for you to be "up" in and moving about in.

But I digress.

I think with the advent of blogging, Facebooking, and Twittering we've lost the desire to focus on something other than ourselves. We call people who do that "heroes" and not the freaks on the NBC show either. Talking heads on the TV news put those people up in their "human interest" slot, you know, the last 30 seconds of the newscast which, if you did watch the news on TV anymore, you've already switched over to the guide so you can see what's on next. And it's there we find people actually getting out and making face-to-face with other people.

I'm guilty of this too. Posting here on my blog and making wise-ass comments over on Facebook is a great time waster, a fun distraction and a whole lot of narcissism! Are we really keeping "in touch" with others or are we engaged in a weird kind of "look at me" by posting that "Eric is done watching the Dallas Cowboys get slaughtered 44-3 and he's going to his room to cry" with the sole purpose to not really inform anyone of anything other than to entice them to post a comment so that a discussion will follow?

Curious question brings up does this? (Channeling a little Yoda there...) Will it ever go back to the way it is or will we be like that small group of people at Starbucks all texting frantically on their cell phones to the very same people who are sitting around the very same table as they are?

I think that those who either have resisted the onslaught of the minute-by-minute informing of others of exactly what others are doing, or have thrown away their devices or have weaned themselves off of this bandwagon are going to be fewer and fewer yet. And it doesn't stop with personal communication. It is now coming to education. There is a commercial for one online college that has a professor (Uncle Phil from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") stating that he has failed his student by keeping them in a brick-and-mortar school when they could be learning just as easily sitting in a park, sipping a latte at Starbucks or doing their Ethics 101 final from the privacy of their bedroom, dressed in their jammies with their hair up in a bun. Since the internet has given brick-and-mortar business a run for their money does that mean all other avenues of commerce, education and communication have to go that way? Or, as my Dad used to say, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?" (Your Dad said that too? He know my Dad?)

I'm just saying, I think this blogging, Facebook, Twitter thing is taking us somewhere we may not want to be and when we get there and look back we'll realize we can't go back no matter how hard we try.

Then what?

Eric

Happy New Year

(okay...I'm a day late!)

Let's see what I bring into 2009.

(BTW...I don't put much stock into the magical qualities of the turning of the page of a calendar signifying the change from one year...or millennium...to another.)

I bring a near total reliance on God.

I bring a renewed interest in what the Bible says.

I bring a renewed interest in discussing issues in the Marketplace of Ideas.

I bring a new sense of others around me and what I need to do for them.

I bring a new level of prayer in my life.

I bring a new appreciation for change.

I bring a better understanding of how messed up we can make ourselves and how, at 43, it's very hard to change.

I'm finding that change takes time. Something an ADHD'er has problems with.

I bring a better feel for the phrase, "Shit happens".

I understand that God allows "shit" to "happen" for His reason.

I also understand (and am learning to accept) that God doesn't have to tell me His reasons for the "shit" that "happens".

I remember I have something to say.

I've learned a better way to say it.

I don't sleep so well anymore and I miss it.

I don't like dreaming anymore and I'm sad.

I've accepted that I'm not going to weigh 185 ever again and that 200 is just fine...okay it's not...195 would be better but I really like ice cream!

I realize nobody really reads this blog so it's mainly therapy for me.

I realize I have a long way to go before I'll ever get back into the cockpit again. Unfortunately I run out of funds sometime between May and July. Sooo...

I realize I was a schmuck to forgo a college education...even an AA would be better than marking "some college" on job apps.

I am seeing my teenaged kids in a new light.

I realize that in a few years, that will go by very fast, my kids will be adults and out of the house.

I realize that when that happens, my wife will need me more than ever.

I bring a lot of the same baggage into 2009 that I brought into 2008, that I brought into 2007, that I brought into 2006, that I brought into...ad infiniteum...

So here's to 2009. May she be a damn sight better than 2008. And may the Lord stay his hand on us.

Eric

So Long 2008...

...you sucked.

What did 2008 bring?

January: The flight from hell. Which led to a poor excuse for an incident debriefing where I was told to "buck up, it wasn't that bad". Where I was accused of not knowing how to use the radar in the aircraft. The same radar that turned out to be not functioning properly. I was accused by the Director of Operations of not knowing basic weather. The same D.O. who ordered me to send a pilot on trip that was illegal due to basic weather for FAR 135 flights (something he should have known after all, he is the Director of Operations!).

February/March/April: Increasing uneasiness when flying. Distracted. Not wanting to go to work. Not wanting to fly. Unable to figure out why I can't just "get back in the saddle" like I've done other times? Increasing dissatisfaction with management as they make accusations then refuse to communicate.

May: A legitimate turn-down of a flight due to weather turns into an opportunity for the D.O. to write me up...twice. He heard what he wanted to hear and not what I was saying. My fault. I thought that if I made every effort to make the flight happen it would just what they'd been telling me for over a year. Not. This led to me being asked to "write up" my boss. After a long while, I utilized the proper company procedures as outlined in the General Operating Manual and Personnel Handbook for instances where improvement can be made and/or to point out deficiencies in the company. I listed the instances where the fixed wing pilots were feeling pressure, subtle though it may have been at times, but pressure nonetheless, to take flights that were deemed either marginal or illegal.

My reward for following company policy? I was flown to the Mothership and chastised for "writing up my boss". I was called "unprofessional" and it was wondered aloud how I ever got into the Lead Pilot position as I was obviously "not suited" for it. When I was asked if I had anything to say, I asked what it's called when the D.O. orders a pilot to order another pilot to take an illegal flight? I was met by mute faces and a change of subject. In an effort to "move forward" (company's new buzzword), I resigned as Lead Pilot, took my week off and updated my resume.

Back to work, plane comes out of maintenance, dirty and greasy. We have a PR event two days out so I kept the plane out of service for another 45 minutes to wash it...after I checked with Operations regarding any flights. This was the procedure I had cleared with the D.O. beforehand, asking if I could keep the plane out of service after maintenance to keep it clean. "Do what you need to do...that's fine with me" was the direct quote. I passed this around to the other pilots at the time then did just that. As we were finishing the wash, we got paged for a Long Range flight that would leave in 2 hours. No problem. Plane back to base, flight planning all done, now waiting for the "Go" call.

This is where life got ugly.

To make a long story short, I inadvertently raised the gear after I had landed and rolled out approximately 1000' at Travis AFB. Why I did it I didn't know. I've never done anything like that ever before nor will I ever do it again. It wasn't until a few months later that I found a root cause for the incident but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Two days after the incident, the company Safety Officer reviewed my statement and, after a long discussion with the Director of Operations, the Chief Pilot, the Head of the Air Medical group and HR, it was decided that I should be reinstated, given a check ride by the CP and put back to work. 10 minutes later, after a closed door session, I was informed that I was being terminated "due to all the problems they've had with me over the last 15 months".

What the....?

Then UI benefits were denied and the appeal was set in place.

June: No bennies. No word from UI. Nervous breakdown. I lost it. I seriously thought I was headed for the funny farm. I regained some composure, enough to research what was going on with me and all I came up with was....PTSD.

July: Off to the counselor and therapy, which I could hardly afford but needed it. My diagnosis was correct. Now I get to relive the hell that was the flight over and over again. I tell my family what's been going on. It's nice to know there is some explanation for my behaviour and thoughts over the last 6 months. And here's the kicker. My gear up? According to my counselor, my mind wasn't on flying the plane. It was still reliving the incident from January and, coupled with my ADHD, I was distracted enough to do something out of my routine. This is not an excuse. It is an explanation. I have to have routine to deal with the ADHD. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I once said at my martial arts school that I was "a creature of habit". This illicited a huge laugh from a couple of people who knew me well. Their response? "No kidding!"

Unfortunately, during the official NTSB/FAA investigation, I was led to believe this would be an "incident" as opposed to being an "accident". I was wrong.

August: Dealing with PTSD, ADHD, unemployment, very, very low self esteem, unable to make it through the week without breaking down, I consider up and leaving my family.

September: I get my appeal. I go to see the judge. My former employer sends the D.O. to fight for their side. He tries to bring up bravo sierra but the law judge shuts him down. I make my statement. The D.O. refutes it. The judge asks more questions. I state the D.O. cannot know what I did, when I did it or how I did it as he wasn't in the plane with me so for him to aver so adamantly that I did this on purpose and while in the air was ludicrous. In the end, I win.

October: Things are going a little better. I'm getting good leads on jobs. Unfortunately, gas prices are skyrocketing, foreclosures are accelerating and several financial institutions are showing signs of implosion. We are financially stable but for how long? And, my former employer appeals the appeal. I could lose all the money that was benefitted me through UI and might have to pay it back. I receive the NTSB report that states that it was an "inadvertent accident". Not incident like I was led to believe but accident. I now have an accident in my file which makes getting a job that much harder.

November: No word on the appeal of the appeal. The wife and I have our fourth or fifth knock-down-drag-out fight. I'm so wrapped up in my own problems I fail to see hers. We head off to Texas thanks to the kindness of my Mother and some good savings from my wife. We enjoy our time with family in Texas.

December: Start out like this. I apologize to my wife for not seeing her problems. My counselor asks me to sit in a plane. I haven't been in one (save the trip to Texas) in the left seat since May. That day...well...I have a bad day. The next day, I sit in the plane and feel....


Nothing.


No joy. No fear. No excitement. No anxiety. Nothing. Numb.


I think about this as I've sent out over 100 resumes, had 2 interviews, dealt with idiotic HR people who don't know what a pilot does, faxed a dozen resumes, entered my work history a dozen times on a dozen websites, look for work outside of aviation only to have people look at me and say, "you're not qualified to work at Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Lowe's, Raley's, Safeway, etc."

Oh go suck an egg!

The economy goes into a tailspin and most companies are waiting until the new administration is sworn in and the first (or second or third) quarter of 09 is over before they make a decision on hiring.

My bennies run out in July.

Yes...2008 sucked.

But there were some good things. I'll save those for tomorrow as I look into 2009....

Eric

Merry Christmas

Eric

I'm A Loser...

...just like all ya'll...

The iMonk hits another one out of the park in a way that is both gracious and hard hitting, compassionate and confrontational. Many years back, I rejected the fact that I was a "sheep". I was smarter than a sheep. I knew my Bible. I didn't follow the crowd (or so I thought). That was until I read a book, "A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23" by Keller. Then I realized I was a sheep.

In the same way, the iMonk reminds me that I, too, am a loser. Not in the pop culture sense but in a much different sense. He does this in a letter to Ted Haggard.

By the way, just because I'm a loser doesn't mean I'm lost. It merely means what the iMonk says it means...

You’ve been given a great gift in your honest struggle and confession of being a loser. You’re on the way. You’re on the road. Don’t whine about it. Don’t make the mistake of seeing the broad evangelical Disneyland as your destination. You’re at that point where George Bailey stood on the bridge. You can despair….and jump. Or you can know that God has sent his hope, love and good news to you in a barn, where shepherds worship in tearful silence; where a man receives a gift he never created; where a virgin says yes even to the unthinkable that grace can do the impossible.

Go there, Ted. Find that place. Go as a struggler, a loser, one with nothing. Go and know that this, and all it means and will ever mean, is for you. For you….a savior. A savior of strugglers, losers and worse.

It makes me feel good to be in the company of so many losers. Although my counselor would disagree with that concept, that I'm a loser because, after all, God made me and God don't make junk, I do agree with it to an extent. Admitting it brings me to a place where God can finally work with me and within me to make me the me He wanted me to be when He made me in the first place.

Clear as mud?

Of course it is!

That's all for now.

Eric

Letter to my Son

My son turns 16 today. When he turned 13, I wrote him a letter explaining what was probably going to transpire of the next few years. When he turns 18, I'll write him another letter and probably again when he turns 21. Here's the letter I just wrote him:

December 11, 2008

Dear Matt,

Wow…16 years old!

You are halfway through your teens.
You are halfway through High School.
You have two more years until you’re old enough to vote and be drafted but not old enough to buy beer!

A lot has changed since my last letter to you when you were 13. Some of the things I told you would happen have happened and some are still waiting to happen. You’re hair is longer, your taste in music has changed, you have a girlfriend who is also your friend (the best way to go!) your voice is changing, you’re taller than everyone else in the house and you are beginning to drive!

There have been some rough patches in the last three years but those were to be expected. Your Mom is having a tough time with it so I think it would be best if you were a little more sensitive to her feelings. As for me, I see it as all part of growing up. You have two parents who love you very much and want the best for you. Sometimes what we want and how we go about it can conflict with what you want and how you go about it. But I think in the end we both want the same thing; for you to be a well-balanced adult at the end of all of this.

Your thinking is becoming more abstract. You are beginning to formulate ideas and thoughts about life, the universe and everything and sometimes those thoughts and ideas might be different than what your parents and teachers believe. The goal here is to make sure that what you believe is good and true. Continued time in the Bible, talking with God, talking with Godly people you trust (other than your parents) is always a good thing. It can help you discern that which may be potentially harmful to you and that which may bring you joy to your life.

I know sometimes you think your Mom and I have no idea what’s going on in your life or what you’re feeling or how things are different for you. You’re probably right. But don’t discount the fact that we’ve “been there, done that, got the t-shirt” or the fact that we’ve been around teenagers for many, many years. Your life, in this day and age, is so much different than ours was 25 years ago. But in the same way, we faced many of the same things you do, just in a different context. So we “feel your pain” so to speak and sometimes we don’t.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that this period of transition from childhood to adulthood is going to be rocky for the both of us. I know there is a time when you will be gone. You will be making your own decisions about many, many things and all I can do is hope and pray you make good ones. You’ll probably make some boneheaded mistakes but that’s life. You’ll learn from them while you experience the consequences of your actions. All I can do at this point is pray for you, answer your questions, point you in the direction that looks best for you, give you the benefit of my experience and, in the end, send you on your merry way. (And then I’ll buy a motorcycle and have a second adolescence!)

The world is a very uncertain place. Always has been, always will be. But it is also a place of incredible wonder and amazement for those who keep their eyes open. Take risks but take calculated risks. Explore the world. Only do so not with blinders on but with care and consideration for those around you. At 16, your world is the here and now. Every once in a while stop and consider the long term. Occasionally pause and look ahead. See if the path is still the one you should be on.

I really wish today we’d be going down to the DMV to get your driver’s license. Unfortunately, I dropped the ball on that one and I apologize. I do look forward to you driving. It scares the crap out of your Mother but I’ve always loved cars and driving. It gives you a freedom like you’ve never experienced before. It was always the one common denominator between me and my Dad when we had nothing else in common. I know we have more than cars and driving that are common between us; music, movies, and a common sense of humor are just a few. I treasure those things.

My advice for you now, at 16, is to remember your past, remember how you got here, and remember that God and your parents love you very much. Keep those in mind as you head into the future. And one more thing, don’t forget to scoop the poop when it’s your week!


I love you Matthew,

You Dad