Monday, August 28, 2006

Footprints in the Sand

For all of you who get those "Footprints" email with the tag that says "If you love Jesus, you'll send this on. If you delete it, you may not be really saved will most likely burn in hell with all the other regenerate, homosexual, lesbian-kissing, ozone-depleting, liberal Democrats.", this is for you...

Footprints Washed Away in the Sand
Do you think G-d thinks of us as whiny?

Catherine and I were walking on the beach in Hawaii (oh, did I mention that Catherine and I got to go to Hawaii?).

There was a couple walking ahead of us; she was closer to the water than he was. Every once in a while, a wave would come up and wash away her tracks. The tracks looked funny – as if one of the walkers disappeared every now and again.

That made us think of the old “footprints in the sand story.”

You know the one, where the guy dreams that he looks back on his life, and there are footprints in the sand – his and Jesus’. He realizes that one set of footprints disappears at times, and he accuses Jesus of abandoning him during his rough years.

The Lord responds by saying, “No, those were the times I carried you.”

Looking at our Hawaii beach prints, I imagined the story shifting slightly, with me in it.

Instead of accusing, I get all misty-eyed (having seen the story on a hundred plaques through his life), and say, “Ah, look where there is only one set of prints. You must have carried me then.”

And Jesus replies, “I don’t think so, Einstein. The waves just washed away one set of prints. I never carried you. I let you lean on me, and pulled through with you, and I never left your side as you weaved like a drunken sailor, but brother you walked the whole way.”

And I gripe, “But I thought you were the nice guy that would never make me struggle if I didn’t want to!”

And Jesus would reply, “Seriously, if you want someone to carry you, first you’re going to have to lay off the donuts. And second, find a god that doesn’t care so much about you. Remember that suffering produces perseverance, which develops character, which leads to hope? You want me to deny you hope just so you can piggy back when the sand starts feeling hot on your tender little toesies? Grow up.”

Okay, he probably wouldn’t be all that snotty to me.

But he might be tempted.

Just my thoughts,


You'll find the original HERE!


Wednesday, August 23, 2006

For The Guys



Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor --- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?

Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday! 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techn iques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Can You Pass The Test... become and American???

Naturalization Test

I've taken it and after 10 pages, I've only missed 4. Not bad for public school learnin'!


Friday, August 18, 2006

Is It Safe???

You'll be happy to know...despite the depression and anger...I'm not going to go postal...

You have a 39% chance of going postal!

The chances of a killing spree in your future are pretty low. But discuss any problems you have with a therapist. Or your local barman. Talking about your feelings is very important... well, and emmasculating, but let's not talk about that.

How Likely Are You to Go Postal?
Create Your Own Quiz


Sunday, August 13, 2006

How I Spent My Summer Vacation...

...or How Depression and a Family Vacation Don't Mix.

(This one's a bit of a rambling confessional...)

I'm depressed. At least, that's what I think it is. Depression. I can go from happy to angry in a matter of a couple of seconds. A word here is misconstrued there making my wife wonder what she did wrong. My kids are learning where the expression "walking on eggshells" means. My wife accused me of being a "poop-head". My sister-in-law and my nieces (always a bit uncomfortable around me anyways) finally chose to ignore me...

I hate this...

I am moments from tears for no reason. I'm 41 and I seem to be loosing it. Angry at God. Angry at life's circumstances. Angry that people don't understand why Muslim's don't like American's. Angry that people submit for our approval various conspiracy theories regarding the 9/11 plane crashes. Astounded that people will blithely drive with there cell-phone crammed to their ear and wonder why others are honking and flipping them off. Baffled by people carrying on the most initimate conversations on their cells for others to hear. Wondering if people actually look in a mirror before leaving the house in the morning or did they really think the public wants to see they wear Calvin Klein undies or that their "come and get it" tattoo looks just like every other one out there or if they think Size 6 shorts on a Size 12 butt and a size 4 top on a 34DD chest is attractive? (Can you say 'belly roll'? I knew you could!)...

Yeah, I'm a bit pissy. Even good news doesn't make me happy. Stewing in my own juices is what it used to be called. Can someone make a pill to make it all go away? (Better living through chemistry.) Besides, if I did take the pill I'd have to give up my career. Anti-depressants, anti-ADD medication results in the immediate loss of one's medical certificate without which one cannot legally fly regardless of the ratings one possesses...

Although, popping a Zanax would release me to pursue an education to become a 7th Grade History teacher. Something I've always thought would be fun. Even my son thinks I'd be good at it. It would be hard, financially, for at least 2 years. It would be hard mentally and emotionally as well. My wife would probably shoot me for wanting to change careers in mid-life...

In Newport Beach, everything is upscale. Even the McDonald's girls have French Nails and the bathrooms are freshly scented with lilac. Yeah, it's out of a can attached to the wall but hey, it ain't the fresh scent of urine and greasy Big Mac's...

In Newport Beach, (we were there for 4 days), you must have a very open mind about your body and the bodies of others. Because you're going to see a lot of body. Funny, the girl sunbathing next to us had a butterfly tattoo on the right side of her abdomen. Later, when we returned to the Marriott, she was behind the counter. I'm pretty sure it was her. The only way to confirm would be to ask her is I could see her tattoo. I'm baaad....

SeaWorld has gone corporate. Really. Last time I was there was in 1984. Now it's owned by Anhueser-Busch so you get a beer-garden, beer brewing school and Clydesdale's with your sea lions and killer whales. I remember the shows taught you a little about the animals. Now it seems all they do is perform the same tricks, 5 times a day, for a handful of fish and the audience is for 15-20 minutes not learning a damn thing about why these animals are willing to perform the same tricks, 5 times a day, for a handful of fish. At least MarineWorld, who have given into the amusement park ride syndrome, still educates when you see the animal shows. What's next? The Starbuck's San Diego Zoo Presents, Simba the Lion Show???...

I could really use some stability. What I mean is, knowing what's going to happen next. Unfortunately, Life isn't TIVO'ed so I can't fast forward to find out which way I should go and how it's all going to turn out. I won't know if Decision "A" is any better or worse than Decision "B"....

No one does, really. Do they???


Thursday, August 03, 2006

Gut Check

Ever ask/been asked those kinds of questions that result in a gut check? I have. Quite a bit recently. Well check out Cerulean Sanctum The "Gut Check" Series. Dan Edelen asks the tough ones. The responses given in the comments are what you would expect. Some echo exactly what you or I are thinking and some are exactly the kind of "knee jerk" response you come to expect. (Not a lot...but some.)

So give it a whirl. Some, after I read them, caused me to just want to pass right on by and not delve any deeper. I saw myself in everyone of them.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

If You Can Bless It... must be legit!

(HT to First Things)

Michael Novak writes:

Beer Blessing
From the Rituale Romanum (no 58)

Bene+dic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi: et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti, ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corporis, et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen

Bless, O Lord, this creature beer, that Thou hast been pleased to bring forth from the sweetness of the grain: that it might be a salutary remedy for the human race: and grant by the invocation of Thy holy name, that, whosoever drinks of it may obtain health of body and a sure safeguard for the soul. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Pass the beer...


10 Questions About Books

1. One book that changed your life:
The Bible

2. One book that you’ve read more than once:
LOTR Trilogy
Stephen Lawhead's "Arthur/Merlin" series
"Hitchhiker's" Trilogy

3. One book you’d want on a desert island:
The Bible

4. One book that made you laugh:
Any Calvin and Hobbes Anthology
The aforementioned "Hitchhiker's" Trilogy

5. One book that made you cry:
"An Alien at St. Wilfred's" - Adrian Plass

6. One book that you wish had been written:
"How Not To Be Socially Inept as an ADD'er"

7. One book that you wish had never been written:
The "Left Behind" series...can I have that time in my life back??

8. One book you’re currently reading:
"Knight Life" by Peter David

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read:
Finish Calvin's "Institutes" and several other "big books" I've started and are gathering dust on my shelves...

10. Now tag five people:

If'n you 'ount to...