Saturday, July 30, 2005


I had my 40th. last week. My brother turned 34 yesterday. And Jadon (Jadon's Blog) had a link to a place that told you what your birthdate meant. Mine...eeriely accurate...

Your Birthdate: July 22

While sometimes employing unorthodox approaches, you are capable of handling large scale undertakings.

You assume great responsibility and work long and hard toward completion.

Often, especially in the early part of life, there is rigidity or stubbornness, and a tendency to repress feelings.

Idealistic, you work for the greater good with a good deal of inner strength and charisma.

An extremely capable organizer, but likely to paint with broad strokes rather than detail.

You are very aware and intuitive.

You are subject to a good deal of nervous tension.



Friday, July 29, 2005


Went to the coast this week with the wife and kids. My sister went along as well. We rented a cottage on the California coast about a 1/4 mile south of the Oregon border at a place called White Rocks Resort. ( Had great weather Mon, Tues and most of Wed. Fog rolled out when we arrived in Eureka on Mon. and rolled back in after lunch on Wed. We left Thurs.

My sister is blonde. Smart but sometimes she has blonde moments. Like when she was cooking a frozen apple pie. The oven is small and she cooked it for the pre-requisite 55 minutes. It was still cold in the middle so she put it back in for another 15 minutes. Still cold but warming she put it back in again. When she took it out it still wasn't quite done so she said, "It must that altitude thing."


I said, "Yeah...100 feet above sea level. That altitude thing!"

We had a big laugh. The kids didn't get it but it was a hoot. Typical Suzanne line!

(BTW...she's single, employed, owns her own home and looking for a man...)

It was nice to get away but the elephant in the room was my job situation. It was hard to enjoy the beauty of where we were when in the back of my mind I was feeling guilty for having fun. When I returned, I found an e-mail requesting my presence with the Regional Aviation Officer at HQ in Sacramento. My stomach sank. I feel sick.

This mess is of my own making. My first instinct was to cut and run. Quit before they could fire me. Find another job somewhere else and, once again, try to start over. How many times I've done this I can count on the fingers of one hand. This will make five. But there is a voice that is telling me to stick this one out. Go through the painful reconstruction of rebuilding confidences and trust. "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." How many times have I said that in Kung Fu? Not only to myself but to others.

Some say if I can attain a black belt in Kung Fu in 5 years then I should be able to confront this. Difference is, in Kung Fu, I won't lose my job. In Kung Fu, I won't put my family at risk. In Kung Fu, the worst thing that can happen is that I won't get promoted. In Kung Fu, I can take my anger and frustrations out on "BOB", the punching dummy!

My wife had been great through all of this. She constantly reminds me that we'll be okay. We won't starve or be abandoned or our children won't be out begging. That God will take care of us as He always has; despite me and my actions and attitudes. I'm saddened that I'm putting her through all of this again. She freaked the first time I lost my job and we had thousands of dollars of debt including a mortgage and two car payments. This time, she seems to be taking it in stride. I think she see's it as just a mistake that anyone could make and that my employer will be lenient.

She doesn't know the US Federal Government. Lenient isn't in their vocabulary. The Peter Principle is alive and well, thank you very much, in the halls of most Government agencies. The disconnnect between those at the top and those in the field is startling. I guees I thought I could deal with it. I guess it bugs me more than I thought.

I guess my arrogance and pride were writing checks my body couldn't cash.

I am questioning everything these days. At 40, where do I go from here? Stay in the same job? Being ADHD doesn't help. Statistics show that most ADHD people change jobs every 5 years or so. That's me. Once the challenge is gone and the sameness sets in, I grow bored and seek to liven things up. Great at parties, not so great at work. I wonder what my perfect job would look like? I don't think it exists. One of the reasons I took this job was that it would provide a good life for my wife and kids. It would mean their life wouldn't be full of stress, moving from school to school, job to job, city to city the way my wife and I were raised.

I loved my childhood because it appealed to my ADD. My wife, on the other hand, isn't ADD and perfers stability. That's what I was trying to give her and the kids. But now I see other jobs. Other things I'd like to do. I look at the experience I've gained in all my previous jobs as building blocks to go onto the next thing. And yet I, too, feel the need to have stability. It has become more attractive as my wanderlust urges me on. They are in conflict with one another.

I jokingly say I should really be independently wealthy. That way I can go and do all those things I want to do and try without the worry of having to pay the bills!

So, next Tuesday I'll find out my fate. Save a beer for me, I think I might need one!


P.S. Happy Birthday Kurt!

Friday, July 22, 2005

My Wife's Not Handling It Very Well...

...My 12 1/2 year old son has a girlfriend and my wife is freaking out.

Maybe girlfriend is too strong of a word. Hailey, the girl in question, asked my son if he wanted to go out. My wife said, "Out to where??" until it dawned on her what my son was actually telling her. Hailey asked Matt on Sunday but Matt waited until Tuesday to share with his parents what was going on.

He's new at this. Not really sure. My wife, bless her heart, tried to convince him he's too young and they should just be friends. Matt didn't know how to take that. All his friends are "going out" but they revolve through boyfriend/girlfriend faster than I change my underwear. I tried to tell the wife last night that they will probably break up once Kids Unlimited is over. (Kids Unlimited - Dance/Drama production involving about 200+ kids from Redding...go here: Kids Unlimited )

But Matt really wants to experience the whole ball of wax. My wife thinks he's gonna get his feelings hurt....Well DUH! That's what happens and she can't prevent or protect him from all hurts. This is something he's gonna have to figure out on his own. (With a little help from Dad of course!) Matt gave Hailey a yellow rose last night after Opening Night. Hailey was a bit embarrassed as both my wife and I saw him do it as well as her Mom and Dad. He wants to do other romantic type things but really has no clue.

Enter Dad, much to Mom's chagrin. (She thinks Dad's a horn-dog and will pass this on to his son. He tells her that it's inherent in every boy to be something of a horn-dog!) It's going to be up to me to guide the boy along this path. Teach him to be respectful and try to blunt some of the rough edges that we men carry because we are men!

Of course my wife says that I will react different when my daughter wants to have a boyfriend. She said I freaked when, 4 years ago at the age of 6, my daughter wore fingernail polish. At 6, that is a problem. At 10, not so much a problem. Of course I told Heather that all of her dates had to pick her up at the martial arts studio on either Tues. or Thurs. night when I'm there, fully decked out in my black gi, tossing some poor, hapless white belt around. Just so's they understand I can remove their hands should they venture into an area that is out of bounds.

Now where did I put that "8 Rules For Dating My Daughter" by Bruce Cameron???

BTW...I'm 40 today.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

120 Grit...

Found this today at peek into my mind...

Sandpaper people desperately need someone who will look beyond their abrasive behavior to recognize their worth. Sandpaper people have allowed someone or something to assign an identity to them that is false. As a result, they live a life they were never intended to live, bound to an unhealthy self-image, having no concept of who they really are or what they can become.

Desperate to fit in, they try on different identities like trying on new clothes, wondering why none of them fit. Sandpaper people fail to understand that their identity was established before the world began, in the heart and mind of God.

The funny thing is...I know this. And yet...why do I have a hard time believing it sometimes...


Monday, July 18, 2005

Outside The Box... where I have been. As told to me today by my counselor/therapist. Yes...I'm seeing a counselor, deal with it.

His opinion (and I have to agree) is that ADHD people, such as myself, are outside of society's box. Which is why we give little kids Ritalin so they will act "normal" and not distract those inside the box anymore. And, we are ADHD for a reason. Not through some chemical imbalance or that fact that our mother smoked Camel's when she was pregnant. No, we are different because God don't make mistakes. If we (ADHDer's) are a mistake or a disorderly, deficient people, then God goofed when He made us. And as I just said, God don't make mistakes.

I take comfort in this. I truly do. It means I'm special, different, able to see all sides at the same time because God wired my brain different so that what's going on over there may be just as fascinating as what I am doing here. ("If Eric would just settle down he'd get more accomplished!") It means that my intelligence is above standard. It means I may or may not have trouble in social settings. (I do.) It means that I get bored easily. (I do.)

It also bugs the crap out of me. After nearly 40 years of being "special", "different", "outside the box", I sometimes long for the normality of everyday, boring life. Get up, eat, go to work, do my job, come home, kiss the wife and kids, play with the dogs, eat, watch a little TV, go to bed and get up and do it again. After nearly 40 years I grow tired of the stares, the looks, the whisper's behind my back, the misunderstandings, the embarrasment, the sometimes overwhelming fear that I am going to screw up...again.

Some days I want to be dull, boring, pedantic, and witless. But that's not me. I'll never be dull, boring, pedantic and witless save for a lobotomy. (And that would severly cut into my paycheck and sex life!)

"You must use your powers for good!"

Yes, I know...

I also have issues with pride and patience. I think I am more patient now than I have ever been in my past. I try to look at waiting as "good"; as a building up of my character. But I have to ask, "When will my character be finished?" Many have told me I am a good man, a man of character. I think I believe them a little more now. (I have been called a "character"...different kind of character...)

I have to force myself to be patient. When the kids are being loud and unruly, when the dogs bark for no reason, when the gov't delays and delays with decisions, when the dishes don't get done. I have to force myself to be patient. No one is perfect and the world doesn't operate on my timetable or by my sensibilities. (Although they should!...nah...)

But I think the issue is more pride and fear. We didn't get to talk too much about my fears but I intend to bring that up in our next session. For now...I have to think through my thoughts on my pride and patience. A co-worker said I strutted around the building, acting all big-like because I'm this Leadplane Pilot and Smokejumper Captain. I didn't see it. Maybe it was there and I chose to ignore it. Maybe I wasn't aware of it all. I look back over the last 5 years and think, yeah...I've got a cool job. A rare job. Few people in the world get to do what I do. And I took pride in that. Most likely it went to my head. My wife says it's been an issue for a while now. So yeah, I guess Billy was right. Gee...I wish people would tell me these things which seem obvious to them but I am oblivious to at times.

So if you are the praying type, I could use some humble pie. Oh wait a minute...I just got a whole big freakin' plate full of humble pie at work. Okay...I could use some prayer on dealing with my pride issues and how they are affecting me at work, home and play. And recognizing the patience aspect and how it is a character builder. Yeah...character builder.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

Where I Stand...

...on this issue...


Wednesday, July 13, 2005


Found this at the Highlander Bulletin Board as posted by Lloyd the First...too damn funny!

On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold are a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about anyone getting irritated at me for trying to break a $50 bill.

Me: "Hi, I'd like one seven-layer burrito please, to go."

Server: "That'll be $1.04. Eat in?"

Me: "No, it's to go."

At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.

Server: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot. The following conversation occurs between the two of them:

Server: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"

Manager: "No. A what?"

Server: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."

Manager: "Ask for something else. There's no such thing as a $2 bill."

Server: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says, "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"

Me: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"

Server: "I don't know."

Me: "See here where it says legal tender?"

Server: "Yeah."

Me: "So, why won't you take it?"

Server: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I'm a shoplifter, and says to him, "He says I have to take it."

Manager: "Doesn't he have anything else?"

Server: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."

Manager: "I'm not opening the safe with him in here."

Server: "What should I do?"

Manager: "Tell him to come back later when he has real money."

Server: "I can't tell him that! You tell him."

Manager: "Just tell him."

Server: "No way! This is weird. I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says, "I'm sorry, but we don't take big bills this time of night."

Me: "It's only seven o'clock! Well then, here's a two dollar bill."

Manager: "We don't take those, either."

Me: "Why not?"

Manager: "I think you know why."

Me: "No really ... tell me why."

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "Excuse me?"

Manager: "Please leave before I call mall security."

Me: "What on earth for?"

Manager: "Please, sir."

Me: "Uh, go ahead, call them."

Manager: "Would you please just leave?"

Me: "No."

Manager: "Fine -- have it your way then."

Me: "Hey, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.

Guard: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"

Manager (whispering): "This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money."

Guard: "No kidding! What?"

Manager: "Get this .... A two dollar bill."

Guard (incredulous): "Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty."

Guard: "Oh, so the fifty's fake!"

Manager: "No, the two dollar bill is."

Guard: "Why would he fake a two dollar bill?"

Manager: "I don't know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"

Guard: "Yeah."

Security Guard walks over to me and...... Guard: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."

Me: "Uh, no."

Guard: "Lemme see 'em."

Me: "Why?"

Guard: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I am ready to say, "Sure, please!" but I want to eat, so I say, "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I'm taking a swing at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says, "Hey, Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"

Manager: "It's fake."

Guard: "It doesn't look fake to me."

Manager: "But it's a two dollar bill."

Guard: "Yeah?"

Manager: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both look at him like he's an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too. Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I could probably end up in jail.

Like I said...Priceless...

Eric ;)

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Final Diagnosis...

ME: "Okay Doc...let me have it! What have I got? Give it to me straight...I can take it! I've had the Treadmill Test, 3 EKG's, and Echo Cardiogram and blood panels....What is it???"

DOC: You have Orthostatic Hypotension which triggered a Benign Postural Syncope (sync-coh-pee) due to dehydration and supination.

ME: *Stares at Doctor...blinks eyes a couple of times*

DOC: You get a head rush when you stand up and you passed out because you jumped out of bed too quick.

ME: Oh.

Yeah...nothing in the blood test, nothing from the treadmill, nothing from the Echo Cardiogram (Which was pretty cool seeing and hearing my own heart on a sonagram!)

What the cardiologist said is that I am in the 1% of the population who has passed out more than three times in his life due to low blood pressure. Not a problem when I'm up and moving or flying the plane or doing Kung Fu or whatever. Just a problem when I try to stand up to fast after being sedentary. It will just be a nuisance for the rest of my life and I need to drink more water, add a little more salt to my diet and tap my feet on the floor before I get up to tell my brain to tell my heart that I'm getting up and to not let all the blood flow to my feet!

They wanted to do a tilt table test to prove this but I declined. A gal at work lost her medical for a year and a half after failing the test and the Doctor said I really didn't need to take the test as I have a very mild case of Orthostatic Hypotension...something that just about everyone has at one point in their life. I just have it more than most and losing my medical means I can't fly. That's not good since that is my livelihood right now!

On another's going to be damn hot here in Redding this week. 108-109 degrees for at least 5-7 days...yeah...Summer's here...with a vengence!


Monday, July 11, 2005

Listening To Michael Roe...

..."The Boat Ashore" and heard this again for the first time...

I Buried My Heart At Bended Knee
(Mike Roe, Bruce Spencer)

So long ago I drew a line
For myself in the sand
Time after time I moved that line when I crossed it again and again
Here we are back at the same old place
Down on the ground on my knees
But I'm still staring you right in the face

I know that I've been afraid
And I'm getting jaded more and more every day
I don't really care what anybody says
I ain't gettin' closer while I'm running away
How many times on a raging sea
If you see me going down, you gonna rescue me?
If I turn back to you on bended knee will you unlock my cage?
Will you set me free?
Set me free...

I've got a debt that I carry around
Carry around like a weight
It don't relieve me to know
That it's already paid
I've been a long, long way from my home
I went the wrong way
Now it seems I'm bound and determined to roam
Roam on babe

How many times in the burning heat,
If I go down in flames will you rescue me?
If I turn back to you on bended knee will you unlock my cage?
Will you set me free?
Set me free...

The Initial Diagnosis Is...

...Orthostatic Hypotension Syncope.

What's that you ask?

Here's the basic explanation:

Orthostasis means upright posture, and hypotension means low blood pressure. Thus, orthostatic hypotension consists of symptoms of dizziness, faintness or lightheadedness which appear only on standing, and which are caused by low blood pressure. Only rarely is spinning vertigo caused by orthostasis.

Yup...a head rush.

This site,
gives a lot more information about it. In my Google search I came upon Merck's website which gave a LOT of information that, unless you were a doctor, you'd probably have a hard time understanding much of what is written. (Yes, I understand the words on the Merck site but the medical concepts I'm a bit fuzzy on not actually being a doctor!)

I have an appointment tomorrow with a cardiologist who specializes in low blood pressure.

I've had this all my life but I think the stress of the last couple of weeks has exacerbated it even more. The last time I passed out from a head rush I was about 17-18 years old. Usually I just feel light-headed, a little dizzy and sometimes I get tunnel vision. But it has never happened at Kung Fu nor while I'm flying. I guess my heart is pumping hard enough during those times to keep me going!


Sunday, July 10, 2005

No More...

...self pity and loathing.

Yeah...I got problems. Nothing do you.

I'm tired of moping; bemoaning my existence. Nope...I'm not gonna do it.


Two things. I had a good day and I was reminded who's I am.

There is no problem bigger than God. Nope. Whatever happens, I have to rest in the knowledge that I am His, regardless of what I do.

And I saw Fantastic Four today with the boy. Good flick! Bad reviews only make me want to see things more. They didn't like Daredevil...I did. They didn't like F4...I did. Yeah...they played around with the story-line on how they got their powers and Von Doom's transformation the same way they played around with Peter Parker/Spiderman's web-making ability. It works though...made Von Doom creepier.

And despite Reed Richards' screw ups, he realized what was important.

Yeah...I'm grasping sue me....I'm trying to put the hell of the last three weeks behind me.


Saturday, July 09, 2005

Waiting For The Other Shoe... drop.

I really thought I'd hear what my "penance" (as my relapsed-Catholic co-worker refered to it) would be. But nope. Not a word. Silence from the Home Office is almost worse than the punishment my fertile mind has dredged up in the last couple of weeks. And sitting at work doing what amounts to holding down my chair is almost as bad as sitting at home doing what amounts to holding down the sofa.

Back to my previous post.

Sometimes my faith takes a beating. Crisis has a way of focusing one's attention to one's problems. It's like taking the dark sunglasses off and seeing the rest of the world.

My fear is, that in my arrogance and pride, I have also been selfish. Have I neglected my children's needs? My wife's? And for how long? My wife constantly tells me I'm a good man and a good father and a good husband. But I often don't feel that way. My motivation to succeed is to provide for my family's needs. Their physical needs are being met, no doubt, but how am I doing on the mental and spiritual side? I guess I should ask them, huh!

Do I have salvation or a relationship with the God of the Universe? Somedays it seems as if I'm saved by the skin of my teeth; that only because God is a God of mercy and grace do I have my ticket to heaven. Somedays it seems that God and I are pals; albeit a pal who just also happens to have created the Universe. Sometimes is seems like I'm doing all the right things and sometimes I feel like I couldn't do the right thing if it was spelled out for me and someone led me by the hand. All relationships take work. Nothing comes easy in this least not for long.

What I'm really afraid of is that God will ask me to do something I don't want to do. Then I feel guilty for not wanting to do something that God might ask me to do because I don't want my cushy life to evaporate. I don't want my wife and kids to worry about food, shelter and clothing. Then I remember that there are those in the world who rely on God every day for just food, shelter and clothing.

It's a whirling dervish this life of faith I have. And I guess I'm not alone. Others have said their lives are swimming in the same whirlpool as I. Some of us are better swimmers than others. (Now where did I put my water wings??)


Friday, July 08, 2005

So Far...

Went to the doctor on Wednesday for my treadmill test.

It seems I'm least initially. My heart beats as it should, I hit all the targets set out for someone my age/weight, and I didn't pass out! Apparently, at first glance, there is a problem with my "wiring". When I stand, all the blood rushes from my head. Yeah...I's called a head rush and it's common; I've experienced it most of my life. But when it happens everytime you stand up and you get tunnel-vision and you pass out, then it becomes a cause for worry.

Especially when your wife asks you what you're doing on the floor and you respond, "How did I get here?" and the last thing you remember is going "hmmmmm" and wondering why the world was going black?

I'll find out the results on Monday.

And the therapist called back. I'll be seeing someone on Monday the 18th for the first time in my life to deal with my ADD/ADHD. Looking back on this whole episode at work has shown me, screamingly, the warning signs that I was headed for some kind of disaster. Unfortunately I wear blinders...the one on the left is called "arrogance" and the one on the right is called "pride".

I hate them both.

I lived for so many years thinking that accepting Christ was a cure-all for all that ailed me. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Not true. Yes, some people experience great relief from physical, mental and emotional problems and yet others still live with them. Both kinds of people do have one thing in common; the spiritual aspect of who we are is the one that is radically changed. We are "saved" for a lack of a better word.

Some who are "saved" still smoke, still have problems with pride, still over-indulge in food, sex, drinking, etc. Some doubt on a daily basis their worth in Christ. Some of it is self-induced, some is a lack of critical thinking skills, some is the subtle work of Satan (Read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis rather than Peretti's book for a better understanding of how the underworld works!) I wrestle with a lot of these issues both in myself and in my observations of others. My Baptist upbringing suggests we may not be "real" Christians or at the least, backsliders in need of prayer.

Yeah...that's me. In need of prayer. Because right now, I ain't cuttin' it. My house of cards collapsed under the Ace of Spades and I'm back to square one...a foundation that's firm but limited structure on top.

Wheat and chaff or precious stones and jewels? Or are they merely brightly painted rocks? Sometimes my rose-colored glasses get fogged and I can't tell the difference. Sometimes I take them off and see just what it is I am building with.

I'm rambling again...I'll shut-up now...


Wednesday, July 06, 2005


(Not mine...Mikeys!

4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.
A flashlight is a cylindrical device for storing dead batteries.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A hearse is poor transportation for your first church visit.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Born free. Taxed to death.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Dear Dorothy: Hate Oz; Took the shoes; Find your own way home. Toto
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"?
Do NOT argue with a spouse who's packing your parachute.
Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
Do you want to be right or in a relationship?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will be out until further notice.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll eventually get run over if you just sit there.
Ever wonder why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Ever wonder why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Ever wonder why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Ever wonder why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Ever wonder why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Ever wonder why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Every time I say that dirty word..."EXERCISE"...I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Father: "My teenaged sons have learned at least one Bible memory verse. That would be Luke 24:41, where Jesus asks His disciples, 'Do you have anything here to eat?'"
God loves us not according to how we do but according to who He is.
God will never make you more holy than you want to be.
Guess which one of the seven dwarfs I think you are...
He who laughs, lasts.
Hey, did the wizard ever get back to you about that brain?
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
How do we know that Adam could run fast? He was first in the human race.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
I can fix anything! Where's the duct tape?!
"I don't question YOUR existence." - God
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister!
I need not suffer in silence while I can still whimper, moan, and complain.
I plan my impulsive moments.
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
I stayed up all night so that I could watch the sun rise, and it finally dawned on me!
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I WANT to have lots of patience; I just don't want to NEED it!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
I wonder if Dracula ever had ticks.
I worry that if I lose my mind nobody will notice.
If a church wants a better pastor, it can start by praying for the one it has.
If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
If only the elderly had strength and youngsters had wisdom.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If you need me, I'll be on my pedestal.
If you send someone Styrofoam, how do you pack it?
If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.
I'll start working when the caffeine does...
I'm wait...maybe I'm not.
I'm Mom's favorite!
I'm not 50. I'm 49.95!
I'm NOT avoiding you...I'm ignoring you.
I'm still a princess right down to my glass sneakers and enchanted sweat pants!
Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.
Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Old friends are the best - they know everything about you but can't remember any of it!
On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.
One hydrogen atom to the other: "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
Remember, our seasoned citizens are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem." - President Ronald Reagan (1985)
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly. The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is ten years.
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
The most impressive Christians are the ones who don't try to impress.
The other night my wife asked me to take her out someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
This is the part where I smile and nod and act like I'm listening.
To err is blame it on someone else shows management potential.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
We must all believe in something. I believe I'll have another piece of chocolate.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? Because the poor had no money.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there isn't enough?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra cent going to?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
With a body like this, who needs hair?
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
You're a Star Wars junkie if when trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked, "The Force is strong with this one."

Hope that makes you always does for me.


Friday, July 01, 2005

I Am...


And a Christian. (Although it may be hard to tell.)

I am confronted with my humanity, my failings, my...inadaquacies.

I am having a hard time admitting that I'm not perfect.
That I screw up.
That I am ashamed of my behaviour and attitudes.
That I am embarrassed by my behaviour and attitudes.
That I am afraid that someone will see me for what I am...a hypocrit.

I am having a hard time asking for help. (After all...I should be able to handle this on my own...right???)

I am afraid. Fear, shame, embarrassment are strong motivators...but they tend to motivate me to hide, cower under the sheets, deny, beg, bargain.

I am...mud, clay; molded only to be re-shaped in an image of...??

I've remade myself so many times that what is me isn't anything more than an amalgam of bits of this and bits of that. Pieces of what I think I should be, how I should be, what I should others, to myself.

There are times I cry out for God to mold me into what He wants and then my eyes pop open in fear that He might actually do that; and to be honest it isn't what I want.

But what do I know about what I want anyways, other than being selfish.

(And yet there is a part of me that isn't selfish; I wish to be more like that.)

Somewhere there must be something good in me as others have told me I am a good man; humble, a man of integrity. (I feel like I've pulled the wool over their eyes but their basis is on my actions more than my words.) Then comes the "but". "But you just need to_____". You fill in the blank...just about anything will fit. (Dr. Laura once said something that made a lot of sense...If you say "but", you've just negated everything before the "but".)

My wife says I'm a good husband and father. But it scares me; I don't know how to talk to them, to really tell them I love and care for them. To show it opens up my heart to vulnerability.

I am...a mess right now. Mentally. Spiritually. Physically. One would think that 21 days shy of 40, I'd have figured some of this out. (I can hear my mother now, "Don't wait until you're 40 to figure this out, son. Don't be like me and wait until you're 40!)

I am...thankful for kind words, prayers, hugs.

I am thankful for my wife and kids.

I am thankful for Christ.

Where do we go from here?