Friday, July 08, 2005

So Far...

Went to the doctor on Wednesday for my treadmill test.

It seems I'm least initially. My heart beats as it should, I hit all the targets set out for someone my age/weight, and I didn't pass out! Apparently, at first glance, there is a problem with my "wiring". When I stand, all the blood rushes from my head. Yeah...I's called a head rush and it's common; I've experienced it most of my life. But when it happens everytime you stand up and you get tunnel-vision and you pass out, then it becomes a cause for worry.

Especially when your wife asks you what you're doing on the floor and you respond, "How did I get here?" and the last thing you remember is going "hmmmmm" and wondering why the world was going black?

I'll find out the results on Monday.

And the therapist called back. I'll be seeing someone on Monday the 18th for the first time in my life to deal with my ADD/ADHD. Looking back on this whole episode at work has shown me, screamingly, the warning signs that I was headed for some kind of disaster. Unfortunately I wear blinders...the one on the left is called "arrogance" and the one on the right is called "pride".

I hate them both.

I lived for so many years thinking that accepting Christ was a cure-all for all that ailed me. Physically, emotionally, mentally. Not true. Yes, some people experience great relief from physical, mental and emotional problems and yet others still live with them. Both kinds of people do have one thing in common; the spiritual aspect of who we are is the one that is radically changed. We are "saved" for a lack of a better word.

Some who are "saved" still smoke, still have problems with pride, still over-indulge in food, sex, drinking, etc. Some doubt on a daily basis their worth in Christ. Some of it is self-induced, some is a lack of critical thinking skills, some is the subtle work of Satan (Read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis rather than Peretti's book for a better understanding of how the underworld works!) I wrestle with a lot of these issues both in myself and in my observations of others. My Baptist upbringing suggests we may not be "real" Christians or at the least, backsliders in need of prayer.

Yeah...that's me. In need of prayer. Because right now, I ain't cuttin' it. My house of cards collapsed under the Ace of Spades and I'm back to square one...a foundation that's firm but limited structure on top.

Wheat and chaff or precious stones and jewels? Or are they merely brightly painted rocks? Sometimes my rose-colored glasses get fogged and I can't tell the difference. Sometimes I take them off and see just what it is I am building with.

I'm rambling again...I'll shut-up now...


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