(Not mine...Mikeys! http://www.mikeysFunnies.com)
4 out of 3 people have problems with fractions.
A flashlight is a cylindrical device for storing dead batteries.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
A hearse is poor transportation for your first church visit.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diet.
Born free. Taxed to death.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.
Dear Dorothy: Hate Oz; Took the shoes; Find your own way home. Toto
DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"?
Do NOT argue with a spouse who's packing your parachute.
Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I drive by again?
Do you want to be right or in a relationship?
Dogs come when you call. Cats have answering machines.
Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will be out until further notice.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll eventually get run over if you just sit there.
Ever wonder why "abbreviated" is such a long word?
Ever wonder why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Ever wonder why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Ever wonder why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Ever wonder why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?
Ever wonder why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
Every time I say that dirty word..."EXERCISE"...I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
Father: "My teenaged sons have learned at least one Bible memory verse. That would be Luke 24:41, where Jesus asks His disciples, 'Do you have anything here to eat?'"
God loves us not according to how we do but according to who He is.
God will never make you more holy than you want to be.
Guess which one of the seven dwarfs I think you are...
He who laughs, lasts.
Hey, did the wizard ever get back to you about that brain?
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
How do we know that Adam could run fast? He was first in the human race.
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
I can fix anything! Where's the duct tape?!
"I don't question YOUR existence." - God
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister!
I need not suffer in silence while I can still whimper, moan, and complain.
I plan my impulsive moments.
I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
I stayed up all night so that I could watch the sun rise, and it finally dawned on me!
I thought it would be nice to get a job at a duty-free shop, but it doesn't sound like there's a whole lot to do in a place like that.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I WANT to have lots of patience; I just don't want to NEED it!
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
I wonder if Dracula ever had ticks.
I worry that if I lose my mind nobody will notice.
If a church wants a better pastor, it can start by praying for the one it has.
If a man speaks in a forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
If only the elderly had strength and youngsters had wisdom.
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
If you need me, I'll be on my pedestal.
If you send someone Styrofoam, how do you pack it?
If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington, DC.
I'll start working when the caffeine does...
I'm confused...no wait...maybe I'm not.
I'm Mom's favorite!
I'm not 50. I'm 49.95!
I'm NOT avoiding you...I'm ignoring you.
I'm still a princess right down to my glass sneakers and enchanted sweat pants!
Is it my imagination or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.
Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things you have for which you would not take money.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Never let a computer know you're in a hurry.
Old friends are the best - they know everything about you but can't remember any of it!
On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.
One hydrogen atom to the other: "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
Remember, our seasoned citizens are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys, lead in their feet, and gas in their stomachs.
Sweater: a garment worn by a child when a mother feels chilly.
"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference. The Marines don't have that problem." - President Ronald Reagan (1985)
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The bravest thing you can do when you are not brave is to profess courage and act accordingly. The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is ten years.
The mighty oak tree was once a little nut that held its ground.
The most impressive Christians are the ones who don't try to impress.
The other night my wife asked me to take her out someplace expensive. So I took her to a gas station.
There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
There are no new sins...the old ones just get more publicity.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
This is the part where I smile and nod and act like I'm listening.
To err is human...to blame it on someone else shows management potential.
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
We must all believe in something. I believe I'll have another piece of chocolate.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?
Why did Robin Hood rob only the rich? Because the poor had no money.
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there isn't enough?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra cent going to?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why doesn't toothpaste ever go rotten?
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
With a body like this, who needs hair?
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
You're a Star Wars junkie if when trying unsuccessfully to snare that last Cheerio floating in your cereal bowl, you remarked, "The Force is strong with this one."
Hope that makes you chuckle...it always does for me.