Friday, July 29, 2005


Went to the coast this week with the wife and kids. My sister went along as well. We rented a cottage on the California coast about a 1/4 mile south of the Oregon border at a place called White Rocks Resort. ( Had great weather Mon, Tues and most of Wed. Fog rolled out when we arrived in Eureka on Mon. and rolled back in after lunch on Wed. We left Thurs.

My sister is blonde. Smart but sometimes she has blonde moments. Like when she was cooking a frozen apple pie. The oven is small and she cooked it for the pre-requisite 55 minutes. It was still cold in the middle so she put it back in for another 15 minutes. Still cold but warming she put it back in again. When she took it out it still wasn't quite done so she said, "It must that altitude thing."


I said, "Yeah...100 feet above sea level. That altitude thing!"

We had a big laugh. The kids didn't get it but it was a hoot. Typical Suzanne line!

(BTW...she's single, employed, owns her own home and looking for a man...)

It was nice to get away but the elephant in the room was my job situation. It was hard to enjoy the beauty of where we were when in the back of my mind I was feeling guilty for having fun. When I returned, I found an e-mail requesting my presence with the Regional Aviation Officer at HQ in Sacramento. My stomach sank. I feel sick.

This mess is of my own making. My first instinct was to cut and run. Quit before they could fire me. Find another job somewhere else and, once again, try to start over. How many times I've done this I can count on the fingers of one hand. This will make five. But there is a voice that is telling me to stick this one out. Go through the painful reconstruction of rebuilding confidences and trust. "That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger." How many times have I said that in Kung Fu? Not only to myself but to others.

Some say if I can attain a black belt in Kung Fu in 5 years then I should be able to confront this. Difference is, in Kung Fu, I won't lose my job. In Kung Fu, I won't put my family at risk. In Kung Fu, the worst thing that can happen is that I won't get promoted. In Kung Fu, I can take my anger and frustrations out on "BOB", the punching dummy!

My wife had been great through all of this. She constantly reminds me that we'll be okay. We won't starve or be abandoned or our children won't be out begging. That God will take care of us as He always has; despite me and my actions and attitudes. I'm saddened that I'm putting her through all of this again. She freaked the first time I lost my job and we had thousands of dollars of debt including a mortgage and two car payments. This time, she seems to be taking it in stride. I think she see's it as just a mistake that anyone could make and that my employer will be lenient.

She doesn't know the US Federal Government. Lenient isn't in their vocabulary. The Peter Principle is alive and well, thank you very much, in the halls of most Government agencies. The disconnnect between those at the top and those in the field is startling. I guees I thought I could deal with it. I guess it bugs me more than I thought.

I guess my arrogance and pride were writing checks my body couldn't cash.

I am questioning everything these days. At 40, where do I go from here? Stay in the same job? Being ADHD doesn't help. Statistics show that most ADHD people change jobs every 5 years or so. That's me. Once the challenge is gone and the sameness sets in, I grow bored and seek to liven things up. Great at parties, not so great at work. I wonder what my perfect job would look like? I don't think it exists. One of the reasons I took this job was that it would provide a good life for my wife and kids. It would mean their life wouldn't be full of stress, moving from school to school, job to job, city to city the way my wife and I were raised.

I loved my childhood because it appealed to my ADD. My wife, on the other hand, isn't ADD and perfers stability. That's what I was trying to give her and the kids. But now I see other jobs. Other things I'd like to do. I look at the experience I've gained in all my previous jobs as building blocks to go onto the next thing. And yet I, too, feel the need to have stability. It has become more attractive as my wanderlust urges me on. They are in conflict with one another.

I jokingly say I should really be independently wealthy. That way I can go and do all those things I want to do and try without the worry of having to pay the bills!

So, next Tuesday I'll find out my fate. Save a beer for me, I think I might need one!


P.S. Happy Birthday Kurt!

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