Friday, July 01, 2005

I Am...


And a Christian. (Although it may be hard to tell.)

I am confronted with my humanity, my failings, my...inadaquacies.

I am having a hard time admitting that I'm not perfect.
That I screw up.
That I am ashamed of my behaviour and attitudes.
That I am embarrassed by my behaviour and attitudes.
That I am afraid that someone will see me for what I am...a hypocrit.

I am having a hard time asking for help. (After all...I should be able to handle this on my own...right???)

I am afraid. Fear, shame, embarrassment are strong motivators...but they tend to motivate me to hide, cower under the sheets, deny, beg, bargain.

I am...mud, clay; molded only to be re-shaped in an image of...??

I've remade myself so many times that what is me isn't anything more than an amalgam of bits of this and bits of that. Pieces of what I think I should be, how I should be, what I should others, to myself.

There are times I cry out for God to mold me into what He wants and then my eyes pop open in fear that He might actually do that; and to be honest it isn't what I want.

But what do I know about what I want anyways, other than being selfish.

(And yet there is a part of me that isn't selfish; I wish to be more like that.)

Somewhere there must be something good in me as others have told me I am a good man; humble, a man of integrity. (I feel like I've pulled the wool over their eyes but their basis is on my actions more than my words.) Then comes the "but". "But you just need to_____". You fill in the blank...just about anything will fit. (Dr. Laura once said something that made a lot of sense...If you say "but", you've just negated everything before the "but".)

My wife says I'm a good husband and father. But it scares me; I don't know how to talk to them, to really tell them I love and care for them. To show it opens up my heart to vulnerability.

I am...a mess right now. Mentally. Spiritually. Physically. One would think that 21 days shy of 40, I'd have figured some of this out. (I can hear my mother now, "Don't wait until you're 40 to figure this out, son. Don't be like me and wait until you're 40!)

I am...thankful for kind words, prayers, hugs.

I am thankful for my wife and kids.

I am thankful for Christ.

Where do we go from here?



Jadon said...

Well...your last statements are a good start. Without that,....

Anyways, glad your blog is back up. I thought it was down for good. Link up on my blog.

Eric said...

Thanks was a "bad" day...lot's of self-loathing in there as I re-read it...

Yeah...the Blog is back up...I really needed a place to write just what was in my mind and TWO was dying on the vine...