Monday, July 18, 2005

Outside The Box... where I have been. As told to me today by my counselor/therapist. Yes...I'm seeing a counselor, deal with it.

His opinion (and I have to agree) is that ADHD people, such as myself, are outside of society's box. Which is why we give little kids Ritalin so they will act "normal" and not distract those inside the box anymore. And, we are ADHD for a reason. Not through some chemical imbalance or that fact that our mother smoked Camel's when she was pregnant. No, we are different because God don't make mistakes. If we (ADHDer's) are a mistake or a disorderly, deficient people, then God goofed when He made us. And as I just said, God don't make mistakes.

I take comfort in this. I truly do. It means I'm special, different, able to see all sides at the same time because God wired my brain different so that what's going on over there may be just as fascinating as what I am doing here. ("If Eric would just settle down he'd get more accomplished!") It means that my intelligence is above standard. It means I may or may not have trouble in social settings. (I do.) It means that I get bored easily. (I do.)

It also bugs the crap out of me. After nearly 40 years of being "special", "different", "outside the box", I sometimes long for the normality of everyday, boring life. Get up, eat, go to work, do my job, come home, kiss the wife and kids, play with the dogs, eat, watch a little TV, go to bed and get up and do it again. After nearly 40 years I grow tired of the stares, the looks, the whisper's behind my back, the misunderstandings, the embarrasment, the sometimes overwhelming fear that I am going to screw up...again.

Some days I want to be dull, boring, pedantic, and witless. But that's not me. I'll never be dull, boring, pedantic and witless save for a lobotomy. (And that would severly cut into my paycheck and sex life!)

"You must use your powers for good!"

Yes, I know...

I also have issues with pride and patience. I think I am more patient now than I have ever been in my past. I try to look at waiting as "good"; as a building up of my character. But I have to ask, "When will my character be finished?" Many have told me I am a good man, a man of character. I think I believe them a little more now. (I have been called a "character"...different kind of character...)

I have to force myself to be patient. When the kids are being loud and unruly, when the dogs bark for no reason, when the gov't delays and delays with decisions, when the dishes don't get done. I have to force myself to be patient. No one is perfect and the world doesn't operate on my timetable or by my sensibilities. (Although they should!...nah...)

But I think the issue is more pride and fear. We didn't get to talk too much about my fears but I intend to bring that up in our next session. For now...I have to think through my thoughts on my pride and patience. A co-worker said I strutted around the building, acting all big-like because I'm this Leadplane Pilot and Smokejumper Captain. I didn't see it. Maybe it was there and I chose to ignore it. Maybe I wasn't aware of it all. I look back over the last 5 years and think, yeah...I've got a cool job. A rare job. Few people in the world get to do what I do. And I took pride in that. Most likely it went to my head. My wife says it's been an issue for a while now. So yeah, I guess Billy was right. Gee...I wish people would tell me these things which seem obvious to them but I am oblivious to at times.

So if you are the praying type, I could use some humble pie. Oh wait a minute...I just got a whole big freakin' plate full of humble pie at work. Okay...I could use some prayer on dealing with my pride issues and how they are affecting me at work, home and play. And recognizing the patience aspect and how it is a character builder. Yeah...character builder.


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