What Do You Do When You're Stupid?

As Ron White says, "You can't fix stupid."

We laugh because we know people who are stupid and can't seem to be fixed because they continue to do stupid things. Even after they do stupid things and they recognize that "that was stupid, why'd I do that?", they do stupid things.

But what do you do when you're angry and you do stupid things? You hurt people. You create problems within relationships. Especially when you are so sure you are right in your anger only to find out later as someone you love and who loves you confronts you with the stupidity of your actions. You feel your "rightness" slowing dissolve in a wave of realization of what you've done. You feel a knot in the pit of your stomach that expands as the reality of what you've done sinks in. It slowly effuses through your body and mind and the stark idiocy of what you've done sinks in deeper and deeper into your soul.

You ass.

There is an old saying that I hate because of its truthfulness: you hurt those you love.

You realize, in horror at times, that you've just set back your relationship with the person you were stupid to by a million years. And as they look back on their life in later years what you did will stand out as a defining moment in their life. When where they were headed was suddenly and horribly jerked another direction. When all they knew and thought was safe and right was blown away by the stupid actions of one they love and who is supposed to love them. When both you and they cannot believe you would do such a stupid thing.

It tears at the heart and soul. You realize you cannot go back to the way things were. There will always be this stupid incident that will be forever there, unspoken but always the unwelcome guest at every encounter between the two of you. The one thing that will always nibble at your conscious. The one thing that will always be in the back of their mind, "can I trust him?"

And it's the anger you hold inside that makes it worse. Because you don't want the anger. You've asked for God to get rid of it but it's still there. The anger does nothing good for you. It eats at your soul. It creates flashes of incredibly ugly thoughts. It is a cancer on your mind and soul. You fight it and it wins. You ignore it and it gets in your face. You beg and plead and bargain with God to take it away for pity's sake and yet it still shows up right when you least expect it and at the most inopportune time. You cry at the affects of your anger. At the pain and hurt you cause even to those to whom the anger is not focused towards nor to whom the stupid actions are not carried out on.

You beg for forgiveness but forgiveness doesn't come. And that eats at your heart as well. All else goes by the wayside until you find that forgiveness. You wait, hurting, stomach churning, mind whirling, waiting for some indication that that person has chosen to forgive you.

God seems strangely quiet in these times and yet He seems right there; not speaking, not intervening, just there. He reminds us actions have consequences. He reminds us the enemy loves to destroy. He doesn't say how He'll answer or when He'll answer and that makes you want to doubt. You know all things work out in time for our good and His glory but those seem like empty words, echoing in the dungeon of despair you've put yourself into. You try to grab a hold of any scrap of hope and when you do you hold on for dear life. You squeeze your eyes shut and hope and pray for the pain to go away. For love to reassert itself into your lives and your tattered and wounded relationship.

Then you start the long process of rebuilding. Something you've gotten good at because you tend to break things on a regular basis. You pray. You forgive. You ask forgiveness. You try to recognize your weaknesses and once again, give them over to God and hopefully this time you won't take them back like a petulant child. You need constant reminding from others of what to do. You feel like you've gone back to kindergarten and are having to relearn all you've already learned. You wonder if you'll ever figure it out this side of eternity?

You trust God. It's all you really have. Your faith is a long rope with a knot at the end which has grown tattered but somehow retains its resiliency. You start the climb again hoping you'll never slid back down to that tattered old familiar knot again. Daily you try to give over the anger and shame and humiliation to the only One who can handle it. You hold on to the truths you know are true because they are tried and true. You pray. You heal. You see the scars for what they are; reminders of the old axiom, "Stupid hurts."

Don't be stupid.

Eric

A Commentary on Proverbs...

Fr. Pat says it better than I can...my daily devotion has been going through Proverbs and what I've been reading, while having been read before and understood, is now taking on a new light when I think of my 16 y.o. son and what he should know to make it in life.

Here's what Fr. Pat says....

Proverbs 18: Many commentators have spoken of the “pragmatic” motive in much of the Book of Proverbs. That is to say, very often what are recommended in this book are things that have been proven to work; these things get good results. Or, to borrow the expression of William James, they have “cash value.” Such things have been tried for generations, and only a fool would abandon them.

We should be cautious about this approach to Proverbs, however, because the pragmatic motive in this book is not identical to that of William James, Charles Sanders Peirce, John Dewey, and their kindred spirits. The pragmatism of these men rested on a fundamental agnosticism with respect to ultimacy. Persuaded that the correct answers to ultimate questions (“Does God exist?” “Is man’s willed activity free?”) must remain unknown to the human mind, these pragmatists recommended that human endeavor, including human thought, should follow only such lines of action as would prove to be useful and productive, such lines of action as would “get good results.” That is to say, human beings should do and think only such things as really work. If a thing or a thought does not work — if experience shows a thing or a thought to be unproductive — prudence dictates that it should not be pursued. (Thus, for instance, William James rejected the theory of atheism because it does not lead anywhere. Atheism promises nothing and delivers nothing. It is not a useful idea. It does not accomplish anything. The idea of God’s existence, on the other hand, has proved itself a very useful and productive idea.)

The problem with this brand of pragmatism is that it separates human activity from human knowledge. It is based on agnosticism with respect to the most important philosophical questions ever posed to the human mind, and it attempts to formulate a manner of life and thought divorced from real answers to those very real questions. How, after all, can I know whether something really “works,” if I have no idea what it is supposed to do? How can I know whether or not I am making “progress” (John Dewey’s favorite word), if I do not know where I am going? How can I seek the human good, if I have no idea what “good” means or the purpose of human existence?

Quite different is the pragmatism of the Book of Proverbs. It does not rest on an agnosticism about the fundamental questions in life, but on discerned and solid answers to those questions. For Proverbs it is not the case that (to use William James’s expression) “truth happens to an idea.” Truth abides, rather, in the structure of reality, and a truthful idea is not the creation of the human mind at all. It is an idea created in the mind by the very truth that inheres in reality. Men are said to live wisely if their minds and activities are shaped by the truth that God placed in the structure of reality.

At the same time, this discernment of truth in the structure of reality does not come solely from theorizing about reality. Sometimes, and perhaps frequently, it comes from the godly effort to deal with the concrete exigencies of human life. For this reason, perhaps, the deepest insights into the reality of life in this world often come to very practical men as they grapple with the shape of history by making godly decisions in difficult and trying circumstances. It may be the case that sometimes a philosopher/king must first be a king in order to become a philosopher.

Mere Comments Daily Reflections

Eric

For The Love of God...

...and beer.

Not everyone's journey to God is the same. Many have followed the same path: go to church, hear a sermon, you feel a tug, someone asks if you want to be "saved", you find yourself raising your hand, you go up front, someone has you repeat a prayer, you're whisked away to the "door on my right, your left", some hands you a Bible and a tract or pamphlet, someone prays for you again, you go home wondering, "What now?"

Or maybe you find yourself like Tom. His path is definitely different. His is not the normal path people normally take in evangelical churches. Does this mean there are "many paths to God"? If by that do I mean that all religions lead to God then no. But each of our journey's are different. The road to which we come to the Cross may not be the same one our friends, families or neighbors are on. But we all meet at the Cross for it is there that we all come face to face with the God of the universe in the form of His son, Jesus Christ. And it's what you do with that knowledge you now have of what Jesus Christ did by being born of a virgin, living a sinless life, dying on a tree, being dead and buried for three days, rising from said death and ascending into heaven after being seen by many that determines what path you will take after your encounter with the Cross.

The path after that encounter may be mainstream evangelicalism. Or it may be like Tom's. Or you may be the next Billy Graham or the next Bob Dylan. I don't know. God does and He rarely reveals, fully, what He has in mind for you. It's a lot about trust. That's a lot of trust...putting our lives in the hands of one we cannot see; whom we only know through scripture.

What's your path to the Cross? Do you see it or do you ignore it?

Eric

Great Pumpkin Presidency

One thing I have noticed about Barack Obama's speeches is that they are full of sincerity. His words about hope and change and transparency ring with heart-felt conviction. His delivery and oratory on the subjects we as American's care about echo with sincere thought. The question is; is he truly sincere about all of that or not?

With deep sincerity and conviction the Pharisee's thought the 600+ additions to the Law were for the better good of the Jew.

With deep sincerity and conviction many believed Jews, gypsy's and other non-Aryans were the problem with Germany.

With deep sincerity and conviction many believed the black man to be sub-human; unable to learn, to read, to write, to do anything but menial labor.

And those people were wrong.

I'm not saying that everyone who speaks with sincerity and deep conviction is wrong. I'm saying that sincere-sounding word, sincere-sounding tone, can sway a crowd who aren't looking at whats behind those words. I'll admit, Obama's speeches are great. Some of the best I've heard since Ronald Reagan. And I find myself starting to believe what he is saying because the issues he is talking about hit close to home. It's how he intends to solve those issues that bother me.

You see, many people don't or won't look beyond the rhetoric to the meat of what's being said. Dr. Luke extolled the virtue of the Berean's because they didn't accept what he said at face value. In Acts 17:11 it says, "Now the Bereans were of more noble character than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if what Paul said was true." Too many of us do not do this.

Too many of us are like Linus from the Peanut's show, "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown", sitting in our pumpkin patch; the most sincerest pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin "to rise up out of the pumpkin patch and fly through the air bringing gifts to all the good little girls and boys..."

You see, Linus believed, with all sincerity, that his pumpkin patch was the best, the most sincere. You know the story. He convinced Sally to stay up late with him in the pumpkin patch where she missed trick-or-treating with her friends. It didn't matter how sincere or convicted Linus was, Sally didn't parse what was really being said about the Great Pumpkin. In the end, it was a dog that rose out of the pumpkin patch in search of some root beer!

So, we have a President who presents a great sincerity, a deep conviction that what he is doing is correct. And because he has preached his gospel with great sincerity and deep conviction, many have bought into it. And yet, the world around them is showing something completely different...they're not buying into it. They've parsed the words and the meanings, thrown out the rhetoric and looked beyond the deep, heart-felt, emotional sincerity and found it lacking.

To use a phrase from the movie, "A Knights Tale"...

"You have been weighed. You have been measured. And you have been found wanting."

I encourage you to parse what is said by your President, you elected officials, your Preachers, your radio talk-show hosts. See if the sincerity matches reality. You'll be surprised...

Eric

Kinda Scruffy

I'm not shaving or cutting my hair until I get a face-to-face interview. Which means I'm going to be a bit scruffy looking at my parents 70th Birthday shindig next week! I do keep it neat and trimmed but me, with long hair and a beard, is something most of my extended family have never seen.

First time I grew a beard my daughter referred to them as "weeds" on Dad's face.

My wife hates the beard (or even the goatee) because it "itches" when we kiss.

My son...hasn't voiced an opinion. He's still pissed at his parents for putting him on restriction due to an "F" in AP English ("I don't like doing those essays!" Tough darts farmer...it's part of the class) and a "D" in Spanish ("I don't like doing the homework...it's dumb!" Tough darts farmer....it's part of the class).

My dogs dont' care either. Just as long as I give them some food off of my plate when I'm eating they wouldn't care if I was naked and bearded!

I did have a preliminary interview with Dynamic Aviation on Wednesday of last week. If they're interested in me they'll call back. If not, "hopefully you'll get an email" saying they aren't interested. The job would be flying King Air 90's or 200's either in CONUS or OCONUS. Some of those OCONUS jobs pay between $10k and $20k per month depending on the contract and which war zone you're going to!

That's all...

Have a nice day unless you have other plans...

Eric

Bottom Line?

I'm just not a salesman. Yes, I have the personality to do sales but I'm just not a salesman. I hate pushy salesmen. Every time I've let a pushy salesmen talk me into something I've had regrets. I just cannot be that person.

So I'm back to looking in an industry that is taking a beating due to the economy and morons in Washington D.C. who think airplanes are of "the debil" and that private aircraft will be used to bomb Nordstroms. Like a backpack full of dynamite couldn't do the same thing, carried in on the back of a pimply-faced teenager who bought into the Islamic rhetoric about the evil American system of capitalism. Morons in Washington D.C. who criticize CEO's for flying corporate jets around and yet spend taxpayers money willy-nilly on jaunts that many times take place on corporate or chartered jets. Like I said...morons. I thought about running for congress but I didn't want to get the lobotomy and I can't, in good conscience, do the things they do to the American people on a daily basis.

I just want to open the Yahoo home page and see a bit of good news for once. I guess this is how my grandparents felt in the 30's. What goes around, comes around and it seems that 3 generations later, we still haven't seen the writing on the wall that says "Doing something over and over again expecting a different result is the definition of idiocy".

The knot at the end of my rope is getting frayed...

Eric

Options

I always have said I like to have options. But there are times when too many options makes making a decision difficult. Especially when it concerns the rest of your life.

I have some decisions to make regarding 3 options. And gathering information to make the correct decision is becoming a problem because I'm at the point where getting more information means a commitment of some sort to one of the three options.

Option 1:

I've been a pilot for 23 years. I've always wanted to be a pilot. I enjoy flying. But my incident one year ago has essentially ruined it for me. So has working for others who twist and bend the rules to help them and put me at risk. To proceed with this career I have the option of acquiring a type rating in a Cessna Citation (read: jet). Part of that option is acquiring funding through the Workforce Investment Act. WIA funds in Northern California are distributed through Northern California Employment Network, a consortium of 11 counties in NorCal. They made their restrictions a little tighter than the States which eliminates some providers including the one I might want to use. That provider is willing to be added to NCEN but it will take "a while". And we all know how long "a while" is with the State of California. Even more so now that it may be broke by February 1st.!

Option 2:

I've also always wanted to be a history teacher. Jr. or Sr. High, World History teacher. I think I'd be good at this but I dropped out of college to pursue a life in the circus...I mean...flying circus! I have some credits but not a lot. Going back to school is an option using the aforementioned WIA funds, grants and student loans. It would take me about 2.5 years to get my credential and a teaching job which are, at this time, scarce and pay less than aviation. Good news is, the gov't likes teachers and grants and such are widely available. But to do this I would still have to find a job to pay for incidentals like...mortgage, car payment, utilities, etc.

Option 3:

I "interviewed" today for a position selling supplemental insurance through Family Heritage Life. Seems like a good gig. Pays decent. I'll get out of it what I put into it. Unfortunately some red flags popped up...nothing that is a deal-breaker just some things I need to think about. First off...it would be an independent contractor position. 1099sville. Second, it's sales. I've never really liked sales of been good at sales but I've had many people over the years tell me I'd be good at it based on my personality. After sitting through the presentation I could see myself doing this job as the product is something I would be interested in and for me, that's half the battle.

So I have 3 options. Two mix well...#2 and #3. #3 provides the job to pay the incidentals while I exercise option #2. The kicker is I have to choose Option #2 as my career path from here on out. To be honest with myself, I'm a little burned out of aviation right now. Don't know if it's the PTSD talking, the gear-up talking or 23 years not progressing talking. I still truly love to fly but I do not look with joy at hardball IFR, or Point A to Point B 5 days a week. Or being rousted out of bed at o'dark-thirty to fly to someplace. I don't enjoy the long, 3-4 hour trips. I rather enjoyed the out and backs at the USFS or even the RDD-SIY-RDD run I did a few years back (even though at the time I was nearly suicidal!)

I guess I'm just not willing to cut off aviation completely. To forgo the career path I am/was on. I see it as, well, a failure of some sorts to not continue. But I do get excited when I think about becoming a teacher but fear I'm too old, too late coming to the party. I'm also concerned that I am being selfish to my kids. By spending the money to become a teacher I feel I'm taking money away from their higher education. I so want to be able to get them through their Bachelor's degree so as to give them a better shot at life than their parents had.

I don't know...I want a sign. A big one in neon lights. One that will assuage all the guilt. One that will comfort me in that the decision I make is the right one. One that will keep my wife sane and worry-free. One that won't keep me up at nights wondering if I did the right thing...

Anybody got a sign like that?

Eric

Random Musings

(This is what happens when you have waaay too much time on your hands, an overactive imagination, a large vocabulary and a medium white chocolate mocha from Dutch Bros.)

I've been thinking about blogging, Facebook and Twitter recently (Okay...I was laying awake last night, trying to go to sleep and my mind wouldn't shut up!), and how all three have changed the way we interact with each other. Not just the non face-to-face kind of interaction but what we talk about. It seems that when we blog, Facebook (is that even a word?) or Twitter (I don't...) we tend to put out there, for all to see, the incredible minutiae of ones life. Now some lives are more interesting than others and I can see and enjoy Facebook's ability to let me catch up with people I haven't seen in 20-25 years but do I really need to know that you suck at Wii bowling? That you are going to the store for some more milk? That you've just finish reading "Twilight" and the movie was much better? (You're a moron if you think a movie is better than a book because there is only one movie that was at least as good as the book and that was the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy so there!) Or that you're now going to bed because you've been up all day? Of course you've been up all day! Unless you're a vampire or work the grave yard shift, you've been up all day because that is what the "day" is for...for you to be "up" in and moving about in.

But I digress.

I think with the advent of blogging, Facebooking, and Twittering we've lost the desire to focus on something other than ourselves. We call people who do that "heroes" and not the freaks on the NBC show either. Talking heads on the TV news put those people up in their "human interest" slot, you know, the last 30 seconds of the newscast which, if you did watch the news on TV anymore, you've already switched over to the guide so you can see what's on next. And it's there we find people actually getting out and making face-to-face with other people.

I'm guilty of this too. Posting here on my blog and making wise-ass comments over on Facebook is a great time waster, a fun distraction and a whole lot of narcissism! Are we really keeping "in touch" with others or are we engaged in a weird kind of "look at me" by posting that "Eric is done watching the Dallas Cowboys get slaughtered 44-3 and he's going to his room to cry" with the sole purpose to not really inform anyone of anything other than to entice them to post a comment so that a discussion will follow?

Curious question brings up does this? (Channeling a little Yoda there...) Will it ever go back to the way it is or will we be like that small group of people at Starbucks all texting frantically on their cell phones to the very same people who are sitting around the very same table as they are?

I think that those who either have resisted the onslaught of the minute-by-minute informing of others of exactly what others are doing, or have thrown away their devices or have weaned themselves off of this bandwagon are going to be fewer and fewer yet. And it doesn't stop with personal communication. It is now coming to education. There is a commercial for one online college that has a professor (Uncle Phil from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air") stating that he has failed his student by keeping them in a brick-and-mortar school when they could be learning just as easily sitting in a park, sipping a latte at Starbucks or doing their Ethics 101 final from the privacy of their bedroom, dressed in their jammies with their hair up in a bun. Since the internet has given brick-and-mortar business a run for their money does that mean all other avenues of commerce, education and communication have to go that way? Or, as my Dad used to say, "If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you?" (Your Dad said that too? He know my Dad?)

I'm just saying, I think this blogging, Facebook, Twitter thing is taking us somewhere we may not want to be and when we get there and look back we'll realize we can't go back no matter how hard we try.

Then what?

Eric

Happy New Year

(okay...I'm a day late!)

Let's see what I bring into 2009.

(BTW...I don't put much stock into the magical qualities of the turning of the page of a calendar signifying the change from one year...or millennium...to another.)

I bring a near total reliance on God.

I bring a renewed interest in what the Bible says.

I bring a renewed interest in discussing issues in the Marketplace of Ideas.

I bring a new sense of others around me and what I need to do for them.

I bring a new level of prayer in my life.

I bring a new appreciation for change.

I bring a better understanding of how messed up we can make ourselves and how, at 43, it's very hard to change.

I'm finding that change takes time. Something an ADHD'er has problems with.

I bring a better feel for the phrase, "Shit happens".

I understand that God allows "shit" to "happen" for His reason.

I also understand (and am learning to accept) that God doesn't have to tell me His reasons for the "shit" that "happens".

I remember I have something to say.

I've learned a better way to say it.

I don't sleep so well anymore and I miss it.

I don't like dreaming anymore and I'm sad.

I've accepted that I'm not going to weigh 185 ever again and that 200 is just fine...okay it's not...195 would be better but I really like ice cream!

I realize nobody really reads this blog so it's mainly therapy for me.

I realize I have a long way to go before I'll ever get back into the cockpit again. Unfortunately I run out of funds sometime between May and July. Sooo...

I realize I was a schmuck to forgo a college education...even an AA would be better than marking "some college" on job apps.

I am seeing my teenaged kids in a new light.

I realize that in a few years, that will go by very fast, my kids will be adults and out of the house.

I realize that when that happens, my wife will need me more than ever.

I bring a lot of the same baggage into 2009 that I brought into 2008, that I brought into 2007, that I brought into 2006, that I brought into...ad infiniteum...

So here's to 2009. May she be a damn sight better than 2008. And may the Lord stay his hand on us.

Eric

So Long 2008...

...you sucked.

What did 2008 bring?

January: The flight from hell. Which led to a poor excuse for an incident debriefing where I was told to "buck up, it wasn't that bad". Where I was accused of not knowing how to use the radar in the aircraft. The same radar that turned out to be not functioning properly. I was accused by the Director of Operations of not knowing basic weather. The same D.O. who ordered me to send a pilot on trip that was illegal due to basic weather for FAR 135 flights (something he should have known after all, he is the Director of Operations!).

February/March/April: Increasing uneasiness when flying. Distracted. Not wanting to go to work. Not wanting to fly. Unable to figure out why I can't just "get back in the saddle" like I've done other times? Increasing dissatisfaction with management as they make accusations then refuse to communicate.

May: A legitimate turn-down of a flight due to weather turns into an opportunity for the D.O. to write me up...twice. He heard what he wanted to hear and not what I was saying. My fault. I thought that if I made every effort to make the flight happen it would just what they'd been telling me for over a year. Not. This led to me being asked to "write up" my boss. After a long while, I utilized the proper company procedures as outlined in the General Operating Manual and Personnel Handbook for instances where improvement can be made and/or to point out deficiencies in the company. I listed the instances where the fixed wing pilots were feeling pressure, subtle though it may have been at times, but pressure nonetheless, to take flights that were deemed either marginal or illegal.

My reward for following company policy? I was flown to the Mothership and chastised for "writing up my boss". I was called "unprofessional" and it was wondered aloud how I ever got into the Lead Pilot position as I was obviously "not suited" for it. When I was asked if I had anything to say, I asked what it's called when the D.O. orders a pilot to order another pilot to take an illegal flight? I was met by mute faces and a change of subject. In an effort to "move forward" (company's new buzzword), I resigned as Lead Pilot, took my week off and updated my resume.

Back to work, plane comes out of maintenance, dirty and greasy. We have a PR event two days out so I kept the plane out of service for another 45 minutes to wash it...after I checked with Operations regarding any flights. This was the procedure I had cleared with the D.O. beforehand, asking if I could keep the plane out of service after maintenance to keep it clean. "Do what you need to do...that's fine with me" was the direct quote. I passed this around to the other pilots at the time then did just that. As we were finishing the wash, we got paged for a Long Range flight that would leave in 2 hours. No problem. Plane back to base, flight planning all done, now waiting for the "Go" call.

This is where life got ugly.

To make a long story short, I inadvertently raised the gear after I had landed and rolled out approximately 1000' at Travis AFB. Why I did it I didn't know. I've never done anything like that ever before nor will I ever do it again. It wasn't until a few months later that I found a root cause for the incident but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Two days after the incident, the company Safety Officer reviewed my statement and, after a long discussion with the Director of Operations, the Chief Pilot, the Head of the Air Medical group and HR, it was decided that I should be reinstated, given a check ride by the CP and put back to work. 10 minutes later, after a closed door session, I was informed that I was being terminated "due to all the problems they've had with me over the last 15 months".

What the....?

Then UI benefits were denied and the appeal was set in place.

June: No bennies. No word from UI. Nervous breakdown. I lost it. I seriously thought I was headed for the funny farm. I regained some composure, enough to research what was going on with me and all I came up with was....PTSD.

July: Off to the counselor and therapy, which I could hardly afford but needed it. My diagnosis was correct. Now I get to relive the hell that was the flight over and over again. I tell my family what's been going on. It's nice to know there is some explanation for my behaviour and thoughts over the last 6 months. And here's the kicker. My gear up? According to my counselor, my mind wasn't on flying the plane. It was still reliving the incident from January and, coupled with my ADHD, I was distracted enough to do something out of my routine. This is not an excuse. It is an explanation. I have to have routine to deal with the ADHD. It's how I cope. It's how I survive. I once said at my martial arts school that I was "a creature of habit". This illicited a huge laugh from a couple of people who knew me well. Their response? "No kidding!"

Unfortunately, during the official NTSB/FAA investigation, I was led to believe this would be an "incident" as opposed to being an "accident". I was wrong.

August: Dealing with PTSD, ADHD, unemployment, very, very low self esteem, unable to make it through the week without breaking down, I consider up and leaving my family.

September: I get my appeal. I go to see the judge. My former employer sends the D.O. to fight for their side. He tries to bring up bravo sierra but the law judge shuts him down. I make my statement. The D.O. refutes it. The judge asks more questions. I state the D.O. cannot know what I did, when I did it or how I did it as he wasn't in the plane with me so for him to aver so adamantly that I did this on purpose and while in the air was ludicrous. In the end, I win.

October: Things are going a little better. I'm getting good leads on jobs. Unfortunately, gas prices are skyrocketing, foreclosures are accelerating and several financial institutions are showing signs of implosion. We are financially stable but for how long? And, my former employer appeals the appeal. I could lose all the money that was benefitted me through UI and might have to pay it back. I receive the NTSB report that states that it was an "inadvertent accident". Not incident like I was led to believe but accident. I now have an accident in my file which makes getting a job that much harder.

November: No word on the appeal of the appeal. The wife and I have our fourth or fifth knock-down-drag-out fight. I'm so wrapped up in my own problems I fail to see hers. We head off to Texas thanks to the kindness of my Mother and some good savings from my wife. We enjoy our time with family in Texas.

December: Start out like this. I apologize to my wife for not seeing her problems. My counselor asks me to sit in a plane. I haven't been in one (save the trip to Texas) in the left seat since May. That day...well...I have a bad day. The next day, I sit in the plane and feel....


Nothing.


No joy. No fear. No excitement. No anxiety. Nothing. Numb.


I think about this as I've sent out over 100 resumes, had 2 interviews, dealt with idiotic HR people who don't know what a pilot does, faxed a dozen resumes, entered my work history a dozen times on a dozen websites, look for work outside of aviation only to have people look at me and say, "you're not qualified to work at Wal-Mart, Home Depot, Lowe's, Raley's, Safeway, etc."

Oh go suck an egg!

The economy goes into a tailspin and most companies are waiting until the new administration is sworn in and the first (or second or third) quarter of 09 is over before they make a decision on hiring.

My bennies run out in July.

Yes...2008 sucked.

But there were some good things. I'll save those for tomorrow as I look into 2009....

Eric