(HT to Mikey's Funnies. Mikey's Funnies )
~ A backward poet writes inverse.
~ A bad Scrabble player: Inconsonant with bad vowel movement.
~ A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
~ A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
~ A Christmas sign from a department store: "Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd."
~ A Christmas sign in a bridal boutique: "Marry Christmas."
~ A Christmas sign in a stationery store: "For the man who has everything: A calendar to remind him when payments are due."
~ A Christmas sign on a reducing salon: "24 Shaping Days until Christmas."
~ A Christmas sign on a toy store: "Ho, ho, ho spoken here."
~ A Christmas sign outside a church: "The original Christmas Club."
~ A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
~ A laugh is a smile that bursts.
~ A lot of money is tainted - It 'taint yours and it 'taint mine.
~ A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
~ A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
~ A plateau is a high form of flattery.
~ Acupuncture is a jab well done.
~ After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
~ Anyone can give advice, but a real friend will lend a helping hand.
~ Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
~ Bibles coming apart are owned by people who are not.
~ Children and dogs are good judges of character.
~ Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
~ Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
~ Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
~ Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window!
~ Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
~ Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
~ Does your life shed light or cast a shadow?
~ Don't let school interfere with your education.
~ Don't let the diapers fool you. I'm the boss around here!
~ Don't make fun of children or the elderly - they are your past and future.
~ Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
~ Ever wonder why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
~ Ever wonder why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
~ Familiarity breeds children.
~ Give God what is right, not what is left.
~ God loves us not according to how we do but according to who God is.
~ He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
~ He who has no Christmas in his heart will never find Christmas under a tree.
~ Honor is a gift a man gives himself. (A woman, too, of course...)
~ How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
~ I considered atheism, but there weren't enough holidays.
~ I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I just HATE people like that.
~ I must have money...I still have checks in my checkbook.
~ I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
~ I wonder if Dracula ever had ticks.
~ I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
~ I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
~ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
~ If brains were taxed, she'd get a rebate.
~ If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?
~ If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
~ If he says that you are too good for him, believe it.
~ If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet?
~ If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
~ "If I'd known I was going to live this long, I would have stopped eating vegetables."
~ If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
~ If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
~ If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.
~ If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
~ If you're in a car going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
~ In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
~ It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
~ It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
~ Jesus paid the price. You get to keep the change.
~ Just BEFORE someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
~ Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away.
~ Man's way leads to a hopeless end...God's way leads to an endless hope.
~ Many girls like to marry a military man...he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
~ My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
~ Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
~ On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
~ On your mark...get set...go away!
~ Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
~ Opportunity knocks but once; temptation leans on the doorbell.
~ Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.
~ Procrastinate Now!
~ Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
~ She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
~ Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
~ Stop telling God how big your storm is. Instead, tell your storm how big your God is.
~ Tell me, where is this "bright side" that you speak of?
~ The distance between the ticket counter and your plane is directly proportional to the weight of what you are carrying and inversely proportional to the time remaining before takeoff.
~ The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
~ The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
~ The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
~ The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
~ The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.
~ The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
~ The grace of God is the mending glue for broken hearts.
~ There are only two kinds of people in the world: Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
~ There's always a lot to be thankful for, if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
~ These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
~ Things today are a lot like they used to be back in the day when things were different than they are now.
~ Those who get too big for their breeches will be exposed in the end.
~ Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
~ What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve
~ What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
~ When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
~ When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
~ When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
~ When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
~ When you open a new bag of cotton balls, do you throw the top one away?
~ Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.
~ Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
~ Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis
~ Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
~ Wrinkled was not one of the things i wanted to be when I grew up.
~ You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing.
~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
~ You may be addicted to Narnia if you randomly knock on the backs of closets...just in case.
~ You stop believing in Santa Claus when you start getting clothes for Christmas.
~ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.