(These are the main reason why I get this free e-mail!)
MIKEY'S THOTS FOR THE DAY
~ A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
~ A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest thing My Father Ever Did For Me." One kid answered "He married my mother."
~ A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
~ A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
~ A laugh is a smile that bursts.
~ A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.
~ A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
~ A prayer before you eat may be a reflection on the food.
~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
~ Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
~ Bob to X-ray technician after swallowing some money: "Do you see any change in me?"
~ Can girls go on a BOYcott?
~ Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~ Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.
~ Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are.
~ Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.
~ Christians are like tea; their strength is drawn out by hot water.
~ Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
~ DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID. Think about it...
~ Do not believe in miracles...rely on them.
~ Don't point a finger; hold out a hand.
~ Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
~ Everyone says I have ADD but they just don't under...is that a chicken?
~ Gas prices are so high that when a woman pulled into a gas station and asked for 2 dollars worth, the attendant dabbed some behind her ears.
~ Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
~ How come it takes a properly prepared, primed surface for paint to stick to a wall, but if a drop lands on the floor, it's there for life?
~ How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
~ I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I went to the bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
~ If a minister runs out of bread during communion, is he having an out-of-the-Body experience?
~ If evolution is true, why do mothers still only have one pair of hands?
~ If mother always knows best, what happens when two mothers disagree?
~ If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
~ If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
~ If only you used your powers for good instead of evil.
~ If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made of?
~ If psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
~ If the going gets easy, you may be going downhill.
~ If the professor on "Gilligan's Island" can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
~ If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?
~ If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
~ If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
~ If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
~ If we quit voting, will they all go away?
~ If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
~ If you can laugh at it, then you can live with it.
~ If you can lead it to water and force it drink, it isn't a horse.
~ If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
~ If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
~ If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
~ If you don't care where you're going, any road will get you there.
~ If you don't know where you're going, you're never lost.
~ If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
~ If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
~ If you have 23 odds and ends on a table, and 22 of them fall off, what do you have left? An odd or an end?
~ If you must cry over spilled milk then please try to condense it.
~ If you really want to do something, you'll find a way; if you don't, you'll find an excuse.
~ If you run out of sick days, call in dead.
~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
~ If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it, what would happen?
~ If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep.
~ I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
~ I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
~ I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!
~ I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby; I'm just having trouble breathing.
~ In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
~ Income Tax: Capital punishment.
~ IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
~ Is that a mirage I see, or are my eyes deceiving me?
~ It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
~ It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
~ It is preferential to refrain from the utilization of grandiose verbiage in the circumstance that your intellectualization can be expressed using comparatively simplistic lexicological entities.
~ It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
~ It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore
~ It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
~ It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
~ It's bad luck to be superstitious.
~ It's been Monday all week.
~ It's good to have self-confidence. It's just nice to have a reason for it.
~ It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
~ It's not an empty nest until they get their stuff out of the attic.
~ It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
~ Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
~ Keep the faith...but not from others.
~ Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them
~ Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
~ Light bulb's love declaration: I love you a whole watt!
~ Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off; and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
~ Make friends before you need them.
~ Middle age develops increased patience...it promotes significant wait gain.
~ Minds are like parachutes - they function only when open.
~ My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
~ My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot.
~ My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
~ My mom was a child of the 60's, but was a goody two shoes. She has antacid flashbacks.
~ My reality check bounced.
~ My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
~ Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
~ New year's resolutions: They go in one year and out the other
~ On your birthday, send a thank you card to your mom.
~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
~ Reality is the leading cause of stress among those in touch with it.
~ Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.
~ Skunks celebrate Valentine's Day because they are very scent-imental!
~ Stop global whining.
~ The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
~ The doctor called Mrs. Johnson saying, "Mrs. Johnson, your check came back." Mrs. Johnson answered, "So did my arthritis!"
~ The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
~ The geek shall inherit the earth.
~ The grass may be greener on the other side, but that's because there is a lot more manure.
~ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
~ The most difficult light bulb to replace burns out first and most frequently.
~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
~ The pigs give boxes of candies to their girlfriends on Valenswine's Day!
~ The Valentine's gift of the farmer to his wife - Hog and kisses!
~ The Valentine's gift of the French chef to his wife - Hug and a Quiche!
~ There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
~ There is more to life than increasing its speed.
~ There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
~ We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. So I'm not fat, I'm just really intelligent and my head couldn't hold any more so it started filling up the rest of me.
~ We child-proofed our home 3 years ago but they're still getting in
~ What do you get the man who has everything? Penicillin.
~ What was the best thing before sliced bread?
~ When people complain that they don't get what they deserve, they don't know how fortunate they are.
~ Where I go, there's "I Am"
~ Where there is no wonder there is no worship.
~ Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
~ You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving
~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.
~ Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace.
See the 133 thots above...
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