Having a nervous breakdown.
Fighting back against the throes of depression.
Wondering what the hell to do with my life.
Trying not to throw up everytime I think about flying.
Trying to count my blessings, holding desperately to the last thread that is the love of Christ and wondering why people like Benny Hinn still roam the earth and why Steven Curtis Chapman's little girl is dead?
Wondering if the USA has gone the way of ancient Israel and is about to feel the wrath of God when He said, "Do as I say or get wiped out."
Wondering how to pay for my daughter's braces, my son's drivers ed, my children's college education.
Wallowing in self-pity when I should be grateful I'm alive, have a roof over my head, food in my belly, a wife who loves me despite of me, children who are smart, compassionate, caring, discerning and saved.
Broken before God as a direct result of my sin, thanking Him daily...hourly sometimes, for His grace and love.
Knowing it will be alright but scared to freakin' death about the "how".
Seeing so many wasted opportunities that were put in my path only to let them pass by due to arrogance, pride, and stupidity.
Unable to grasp the overwhelming love God has for me (us) and yet holding onto that very concept as a lifeline.
Working through life with fear...trembling...hope...joy...pain...
Just another day...
It just sort of poured out of me. The next day, here was the response from a wonderful gal, a bit older than me, who goes by Mama Pooh...
One of the things you mentioned I'm able to understand about is a parent not being able to pay for things for their kids that they always assumed would be something they'd pay for.
Don't know if my change in perspective over the years in that area is of any interest, but I'll share it.
I remember when we were in financial straits, being embarrassed that we couldn't afford to pay for either of our teenagers to take driver's ed, since the school decided to start charging for the class (later I learned of a case in central california where the school was taken to court and had to stop charging for the class.)
Since then I've decided it wasn't so bad that they couldn't get their drivers licenses until they were 18, after reading some of the statistics related to drivers under age 18.
And it was definitely character building that they were the only students, as far as we could tell, in their school who weren't able to come up with the money to take the course and get their licenses. Neither of them ever complained about it. They both had part time jobs, and it still wasn't possible.
We couldn't afford to buy our son's high school graduation robe, or a class ring, or grad pictures. I called parents of graduated students to ask to borrow a robe, and it took quite a few calls to find an ok size, since none of the parents wanted their son's robe to be hemmed. That was not a very fun moment for me :-)
We were unable to help our son with college, but a year after our daughter graduated things got better and we were able to help her financially so she could attend 2 and a half hours away (no college in our small town) - it was a great feeling to be able to help. Then things changed in May of her first year, and we had to tell her we couldn't help anymore.
Both of our kids did well on their own anyway, and I'm no longer regretful we were unable to help them - I'm actually glad now that they had the opportunity to find out what they were capable of. It took hard work, grit and endurance, and I know their feeling of accomplishment is sweeter for them that they did it on their own.
Of course, being a mommy, if we went back in time and I had the money, I'd still help them with all that stuff.
God never fails to remind me that others have had it harder and to stop my damn whining.
One of the verses I had this morning helped alot.
Psalm 30:5b - "Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning."
Psalm 30:11-12 - "You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, 12 that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to you forever!"
Joy comes in the morning. Don't know how long the night will tarry but I do know that morning always follows night and joy comes in the morning.