I've been thinking a lot about cause and effect. Especially as it deals with the way God deals with His children. I was a jerk at the USFS. I wasn't a good witness for God at all. I swore, laughed at bad jokes, told some bad jokes; not much very Christian-like. And I got arrogant. And I lost my job.
I flew freight, again, for about a year. It nearly killed me. I was pretty desperate and full of despair. I had "gotten right" with God and was doing okay. Then I got an offer from my current employer and the deal seemed pretty good. There were some things I knew going in that were going to be different. It was a different field of aviation altogether. I kept my mouth shut, my eyes open, asked questions and kept my nose clean. Except I started with the bad language again; the bad jokes. And I rationalized it away. Freedom in Christ, blah, blah, blah. Again, I was no different than everyone else. Even with the influence of other Christians at the base, I was a loser.
And this time, I did the right thing but am getting punished for it anyways. Why? Not so much that I called my bosses handling of the issue into question (I wrote him up for questioning a go/no-go decision), but I think I'm being punished for pissing God off by pissing on the blessing He gave me in the form of this job.
Great schedule; 7 days on, 7 days off. 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. Good pay, good aircraft, good maintenance.
I knew the job was a going to be different and, against my better judgment, I took a middle-management position as a favor to my new employer. I did the job but kind of begrudgingly. I really want out of the position but there was no one else to take it. And while I did it well, I did it with a lousy attitude.
And my attitude became lousy all over. My job. My dealing with upper management. My dealing with Dispatch. I wasn't arrogant again. I just wasn't drinking the Kool-Aid. I guess I questioned too much instead of "yes sirring" enough. I was hired to do a job and I was doing it but not to the liking of my boss. His style of leadership tends to raise my hackles (and those of others) and I started to push back.
In other words, I didn't follow Paul's admonishment for "slaves to obey their masters". I didn't follow the admonishment to "do all things with a glad heart" because I wasn't working for my boss, I was working for Christ.
And I wasn't doing all that.
Now I'm having to face the consequences of my actions. God has allowed me to go someplace very uncomfortable and I'm finding that God is not going to bail me out. He's going to let me go through this, not alone, He'll be there with me but I feel as a silent partner, not saying anything, just standing behind me, hand on my shoulder, moral support. He's going to let me suffer for my sins and hopefully I will learn. Again.
"I get it."
"I think so...this time?"
"That's what you said last time, and the time before, and the time before. Let's get it this time okay?"
I haven't really slept for the last 5 days. When I do, my dreams are confusing and anxious. My stomach hurts. I fear I may lose this job and leave my family stranded again. My kids are at the age where they will wonder why Dad can't keep a job? What's wrong with him? Why do we have good years and bad years?
And the one I'm afraid of...
"Why is my dad such a loser?"
I want out of this job. My wife and her friend don't understand. My friend does. My co-workers do. Others do as well but they are not my wife. The brochure was better than the resort. Not all is their fault, I bear partial blame. I am at the point where I don't want to go to work. I'm at the point where I don't even want to fly anymore. This job, combined with flying through severe turbulence a couple months ago, have made me skittish. I'm thinking about going to a simulator school to be an instructor but that would entail moving to SoCal. Something I hadn't wanted to do in the past and my wife really doesn't want to do, but I feel it is something I need to do. Get out of actively flying for a spell.
I need her to understand. I don't know how to tell her. She will get mad. She will yell. She will cry. She will feel let down by me. She will have a lot of baggage from her childhood rise up and dump on her again. I don't want to do that to her; I love her too much to cause her pain and yet I do cause her pain.
I feel as if God isn't going to suddenly make her understand. I feel as if He's going to let me do all the hard work this time...put pressure on me and our marriage. As a test. To see if we truly believe what we say.
I hate life sometimes....