Thursday, June 30, 2005

Mid-Life Crisis Or....

Or just haven't grown up yet! A couple of weeks ago I broke policy with the USFS. It wasn't intentional and I exacerbated the issue by not informing my supervisor. Frankly, I just forgot as the entire air unit was busy with covering days off, vacationing pilots and aircraft. Needless to say, I am being investigated.

During my "interview" (in which I should have had my Union Rep with me but didn't...another bone-headed mistake), I was basically accused of lieing to the Gov't and trying to cover it up. My duty day and my time sheet didn't match. My thinking was I wouldn't charge the USFS for 45 minutes of OT and eat the loss myself. I could afford it.

Also during the interview I was confronted with my own failings as a man. I was accused of being a showboat, unprofessional, and arrogant, among other things. (Yes...I have been all those and more.) I was told by a Washington office supervisor that he'd rather see me canned than fly any more.

As I look back at all that has gone on in the last 3-5 years I see a trend in my life.

I didn't like my job but I liked the money.

I was scared to death at times doing my job but wrote it off as a learning experience.

I have issues with arrogance and pride based on the way I think the world should run and have been vocal about some of the inanities of gov't work. (My former boss was right...he said I'd have problems with that!)

On the spiritual side I tended to justify my behaviour and attitudes by claiming freedom in Christ. While I do have freedom, I shouldn't be an asshole about it. I'm going to be 40 next month and I still don't know what I want out of life, what God wants out of my life (other than the basics, Love the Lord your God with all your heart, etc., etc., etc.) I feel like I need to leave aviation for a while and find something else. My wife kind of wants me to go to work at a grocery store! (Our friend runs one.)

So right now I need prayer.

Pray that all will work out with the USFS. (IE: They won't fire me!)

Pray that I will find out what's going on in my head.

Pray that I can set a course for the next 40 years of my life. Pray that the Doctor doesn't find anything wrong with me today. (I've had dizzy spells the last 4-5 months and difficulty concentrating for the last couple of years. Last week, I passed out after I got out of bed...)

As of yesterday (when I wrote this), I have been to the doctor...possibly low blood pressure...treadmill test on the 7th will determine.

Also...made an appointment to see a therapists regarding the ADD...

Life is hell right now...


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